simplicity within complexity

2005-12-20T11:54:00.000+08:00

ceased. to. function. no. more.

2005-10-03T00:23:00.000+08:00

girl with a broken smile

i would post pics frm the wedding yesterday but i am too overwhelmed to let the unhappy n happy co-exist in one entry.

there always comes a time in the life of each one of us when we are forced to take stock. to reflect on one's past, present and anticipate the future. what im seeing now is not too great, to put it mildly. it sucks when i'm the only one who feels this way and its not mutual. we evaluate goals we've set for ourselves and for others and see if we've attained them. if not, why. what is hindering that attainment of that goal and is there really a possibility that that goal will be reached some day some how?

what is God's perspective on this? Frankly, i don't know. Maybe I'll be able to tell when i've moved to my new blog address. as for now, this will be my last entry on this site. its been a year since i last initiated this.

the time has come for a change.

goodbye peeps. goodbye princessofthemosthigh.

2005-09-24T21:47:00.000+08:00

gasping for air

blogging is a luxury. one that i might not have that often anymore until December commences. n aft i blog, i feel guilty. for spending that 15 minutes typing my thoughts which have absolutely no bearing on my academia or my spiritual walk. but i still do it anyway. darn. the irony.

yest night was a wonderful reprieve frm work. good food + good company + good music + good atmos = helluva good time. Happy 21st eeeeelaineeee! ive alrdy mentioned hw much i love the tfivers. they keep me sane. despite the 5 hrs sleep i squeezed out the nite b4, i still had fun! but sheesh, when im really into it, i do krazy stuff n say weird things. haha. ask these pple. ask my churchies. wednesday at wendy's was great too. wadeva game that was called that we played. haha.it was hilarious albeit my sadistic forfeit tendencies.

and thurs nite. it was heartening to see that you still had some heart, for standing up for me. i appreciated it. but still i know that you are one who will never wear your heart on your sleeve. your diplomatic skills is something that i admire, but your shrewdness is the very thing i scorn. and i chide myself for seeing more in you in the past than what you are. you r on the list of one of the most un-gentlemanly n insensitive guys i've ever met. (nope, this isnt about R)

someone once told me that until the point that i get that I am writing to make my readers happy, n not my newsmakers, den i'd be a mature/seasoned/good journalist. I didnt quite agree because i always thot one can find some middle ground. Can't you make both happy? But I guess in muckraking journalism there isnt any compromise. which makes me think - is this really what I want to be doing?

leading worship tmr. had a good time in prac today. may the Lord be glorified.

we hardly talk, talk, on weekdays. to hope that the weekend would be any different is to be in denial. maybe this isnt the right time for us after all. 2.5 yrs. n counting.

2005-09-20T22:04:00.000+08:00

Lull Me

why don't you put me to sleep and wake me up on Friday/or/why don't I just turn off my handphone, my lights and brain till Friday?

virus stands at the door, ready to beseige me. body threatening to give up the fight.

wake me up when November ends.

one thing that makes me happy. Reuben Morgan's World Through Your Eyes.

2005-09-17T23:16:00.000+08:00

-comatose-

#1 tired. lei. there was this night this wk i slept through frm 1am till 1pm the next day. And, the worst part, I was supposed to wake up at 9am, study abit then go for proj mtg at 12noon. missed it. i cant believe how tired i was and how my stupid alarm mode was wrong n didnt ring. sigh.

#2 hols haf ended. big sigh. had proj mtgs almost evry other day. even if i didnt, i still had 2 do stuff relating 2 it every day. but ya noe, i love my 221 grp to bits. as in like, i tink its cool how we can bond outside of meetings too. the waffle-icecream talks over divorces, horfun vs. beehoon and all our lame jokes tt arise frm all our late night filmings

#3 i want to raise my kids in England. i think i belong to the league of Singaporeans who are leavers, or rather who are labelled "quitters" or people who treat this place like a 5 star hotel rather than home. i mean, come on, this is still home to me. no whre else beats coming back to SG. its just that, thinking about my kids and the kind of education I want to give them, I just think that a Western form of education would do them more justice. I want them to be creative, to not be limited by overly pragmatic realities, to have the passion n freedom to pursue what they want. I don't want them to be reticent in class or be afraid to speak up for their opinions. i want them to speak properly and not in Singlish. I can accept myself and all others for having Singaporean traits and there are lots of things which I love about being Singaporean. It's just that, I don't want my kids to grow up to be like me, rojak. not here not there. banana, potato. physically here but emotionally and mentally not. And that's a scary thought to harbour. I wonder which guy would be willing to leave this comfy nest and fly away with me to start a home abroad. but at the back of my mind, the fears of being marginalised and a 2nd-rate citizen in a Western nation abound. maybe, just maybe, I'd move to a truly cosmopolitan city, one that is really a melting pot of all cultures, so that foreigners from all sorts of countries make up a good portion of the population there. some place like Melbourne? I'm sure there's somewhere in the U.S. like that too. but by George, that wouldn't be a jolly good thing would it? since i looove the BRIT-ish ACCent so much and the streets of England. ah, bullocks.

#4 NEWS that angers : First headline that caught my attn this morn. T**s feature on "bringing you the stories from the village" where that murder-suspect-maid came from. Straight away I was like "huh? you mean T** so rich ah? purposely dispatch 2 reporters there to dig out stories from her village background?" and furthermore, does such a story warrant such extravagant spending on the part of the newspapers? I dunno you know. I really wonder. And when I actually thumbed thru those pages, what I saw made me even more peeved. The fact that they actually kept drumming into the maid's two young sons that their mother is in a lock-up and in serious trouble and even SHOWED the son a T** copy of their mother on the frontpage with some terrible headline obviously lah. And the photographer took a photo of the son staring at the coverpage. I mean like, its so upsetting. People are already so upset with their wife/mother/daughter-in-law being behind bars in a foreign country when all she wanted to do was earn a living and make sure her family had enough to get by each day. Furthermore, they are prob trying 2 fathom why she could have performed such a grisly act. And these 2 reporters trot down there and thrust these newspapers into the boys' hands, force them to come to terms with it and create a stir in the village where all are already so disturbed by the whole incident. sigh. makes me think abt journ ethics. what should a journalist do in such a situation my friend? what would i do?

#5 NEWS that angers 2 : 3rd blogger charged in a week. I mean like, seriously, why are we equating these people to terrorists/communists by charging them under the Se**tion A*t when all they wanted to do was publish their thoughts? sure, their thoughts sowed some racial discord here. but the age-old question is why cant we confront these racial disagreements instead of sweeping them under the carpet and charging people who actually dare to question n blog their views? Is there really no freedom of speech in our cty? This is so sad. I mean, I am totally against them using expletives in their blogs to comment on race issues and all. But I still don't agree on how bloggers can be culpable for "trying" to undermine national security. come on, how many people read their blog. I for one have not heard of their stupid blog until it came out in the papers. Shldnt we take into account how many pple the blog impacted? I'd say not many. Firstly, how many per cent of Singaporeans actually surf the net frequently? Secondly, how many actually have blogs or blog surf? Probably only a good portion of the youths. So what is the blog's reach?? I'd say a good 5 or the most 10 per cent of Singapore's population (and that's giving it alot of credit). Come on, does this really warrant being charged under the law? Furthermore, the whole notion of blogs being a public vs. private domain is still being debated out. You mean, SG has actually decided that blogs r no longer private domains? How about those with passwords? Yes, you are going to quote me the scholar's case. Don't even get me started on that. I'm slowly becoming disillusioned with blogging. i cant even say things I want to without worrying I'd get approach by the -they who shall not be mentioned-. this is soooo frustratinggggggggg.

#6 You say you are recovering from the aftermath. now, what makes you think I'm not struggling as well? In fact, you'd never know the tears and heartache unless you look beyond your own. do u even appreciate honesty? you don't know how hard ive tried. oh, n i cant stand it whn pple r not sincere abt giving gifts. spare me the lukewarmness and niceties without the heart.

-dead-

2005-09-09T22:51:00.000+08:00

breathe.

im so glad!! its finally the long-awaited recess! for the first in the longest time, I actually have time and space to breathe. school n other work has been overwhelmingly choking. just this week alone, ive had 2 overcome a horrid 9 chapters-long mid-term plus a photo montage presentation. thank God! i actually had time to do things today that Ive long wanted to do like read the papers (can u believe it), and *ahem* upload photos, watch the news and go borders n read.

i just went wild today and splurged on $64 worth of Zara merchandise lah. i tell u, this is just a product of university repression. Freud says i'd express it thru the unconscious. i beg to differ. in Gra's school of thought, it's more like retail therapy.

//intially, i was rather devasted at not being able to go for YMLC with the rest after looking forward to it so much and even promoting it to others. sigh. come to think of it, i'm still disappointed. but Im sure God had His reasons and I'm actually rather glad that I didnt go now. If not alot of my projects will be in limbo and I wouldnt have as much time to breathe.

//SINGLE PARENTS is coming out TOMORROW! finally. *phew* farewell to pro bono slavery. yipee. hopefully the aftermath won't be bad. n even more hopefully, it'll garner another $200. *crosses fingers*

//exchange. Dunno which uni. exactly tho. hoping against all hopes it'll be ithaca. thank God for graciously granting me my wish. however, new worries r unfolding. i dunno if i'd be able to keep up my results this sem with overloading. but ya noe, wo de jiu shi wo de. that's wad ive been saying b4 i got it le. if God really wants me to get this, i'll just trust in Him and take 1 step at a time and see how things go! but wow wee, this is absolutely sooo exciting. my virgin voyage to the States, imbibing their culture and lapping up knowledge from the best brains in the media industry. cant wait. Plus the added perks of Hollister, Abercrombie n Fitch, Victoria's Secrets, confectionary, western cuisine and all things Americannn. *yummy*

//lotsa things 2 do by this week though. 221 filming, 227 design, 224 movie analysis, chron and of coz the mandatory catching up of all my marginalised readings that have been relegated to a corner of my table throughout the sem. but well, it's still the recess and im gg to enjoy it no matter what! wheeee......

2005-09-07T19:47:00.000+08:00

i still stick by it

why is it that we often bump into those we don't want to see, and those we want to see, are always the most elusive

in a few more months' time, i wont even be here anymore to get that opportunity.

bruised and battered by your words/
dazed and shattered now it hurts/

when i need you, you're almost here/
and i know that's not enough/
and when im with you, im close to tears/
coz you're only almost here

guess what i saw yesterday
guess what i saw today by absolutely freak accident and heard today. i deliberately avoided asking. but, for some reason, my wonderful group member blurted it out to me and re-ignited thoughts that have been dormant but still not lost in my mind.

only almost here.

and it's you when i look in the mirror, and it's you when i don't pick up the phone. sometimes you can't make it on your own. don't leave me here alone.

2005-08-30T23:09:00.000+08:00

rojak motley of tunes

i could choose to sing...
ymlc, 224, 227, piled up readings, impending deadlines, work.
"how could this, happen to me....i just wanna scream..."

but i choose not to.
the treasured few hours with u on the weekdays
"i don't wanna close my eyes, i don't wanna fall asleep coz i miss you babe, n i don't wanna miss a thing"

holistic outlook
"take my life, all i am, an offering for You, coz you're ALL i'm living for..."

take baby steps. until the small mountains are removed, the shroud of fatigue lifts and i walk out of the valley into the light.

2005-08-29T11:38:00.000+08:00

O Sweet Victory

We won 1-0 against New Creation Church in the Agape Cup finals! wooohooo~ thanks Chongkai, for the pics!

undaunted by the merciless sun, 30-something youths boarded the chartered bus that ferried us, the supporters to The Hiding Place at Yio Chu Kang, where the Agape Cup finals were being played out.

R trying to protect the female fans from being hit by stray balls going off the sidelines!

decked out in cool clothing, armed with picnic mats, tumblers and sunnies, the youths turned out in droves to cheer the AMC team on. look! we even brought our percussion team to sound a mighty war cry and confuse the defense! haha.

there were of course, the little 'uns to take care of. and the big ones...who are always more than eager to help out. aiyoh, caught in action. haha. (read : nurses luan n eveie) and this No. 25, out of nowhere, who's walking away. haha. yep, its R.

of course, some did better while others just lurked behind the scenes, contented with staying in the shelter. (read : look who's in the background, haha) oh man, taupok was reading his econs notes. see the poor plight of university students. bahh.

we fought hard for the cup! we took home the first and only goal in the match very early in the 1st half by yiming!

we played mean defense and kudos to siqiang who saved the nerve-racking penalty shot!

come sundown, we brought home the cup for the first time in 7 years of AMC's history! wooohooo~ it may not be obvious, but the guys were extremely elated and started leaping on top of one another. and the NCC players were *ahem* kneeling on the ground and crouching over, obviously disappointed at their loss.

team talk by larry and thanksgiving prayer by pastor Bernard.

we won Best Performance Award, like GPA in sec sch/JC. heh. for most improved team. and Rayson won best team manager too!

captain and co-captain lifting their sweet prize! hahaha..i love this animated shot. with all that cheering and kissing of the trophy, you would have thought this was World cup 2005!

look at how happy the guys are. awwwww. we are the champions, my friend!!!

The winning team and their supporters! now one thing i don't quite understand is how NCC is such a big church with thousands of members and our small little suburban church with only a few hundred-strong membership had more supporters than them. heh.

haha. obviously i didnt win anything. just that R generously placed the medal over my head when he saw me! :) you see, you seldom see his smile so can lan. haha. grrrr...my eyes closed as usual. stewpig flash. it was all worth it! coming down to support them over the past few weeks, braving the temperamental weather!

and of course, the later part, to which we unfortunately do not haf pictures, was the mini celebratory dinner w jx and his gf, luan n WT, siqiang, eveiee, R and i! we were at Toa Payoh HDB Hub's Swensens, digging in to absolutely fantabulous and tantalizing apple n banana crumble and a giant earthquake! n we all had transport back..yayyyyy. it was gr8 how there were like more cars/bike among us than people. haha. for once!

-tired-
-never knew choosing pictures were so tiring-
-need to do work!-
-cheers pple-

2005-08-26T00:00:00.000+08:00

the battle

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. lotsa pent-up discourse buried somewhere in the recesses of my mind. today was not on my list of pleasant days. people havent been the most understanding, words havent been the most kind, prayers havent been answered. but thankfully, with many doses of joy, strength and tons of happy food, it was not thaaaat bad.

but the week has been crazy. in fact, i shld be facing my mountainous workload now but sorry la, need some literary respite. sometimes, only through writing can i experience catharsis n expunge all these not-so-pleasant sentiments. shuo nan ting jiu shi just su4 ku4 lah. :P

ohoh, on a side note. thank youuuu all you T5 peeps for continuously making my day! havent said this in a long time but what wld sch be without you guys?!?! Nah, dun wanna think about it. just glad to have y'all. :)

The end is in sight for ST work. SOON. at least that's what im made to think. I could well be wrong. Then there's chron. Wow, wee. Overwhelming. Sometimes im surprised I even have enough time to breathe. There always seems to be places to rush to, people to call n meet,
readings to plough through, projects to attend to, articles to churn out and the other ad hoc events tt pop up occasionally.

hopefully, when i finish reading PDL, i'll learn to wean away from things that are not exactly helpful to me and may not be part of the larger purpose that God would have me do.

yes, i need to first stand back from my workload instead of plunging into it. need to breaaaathe and take one step at a time.

exhale gra.

2005-08-19T02:25:00.000+08:00

* little reprieves *

1. Festivities

2. Food

3. Fellowship!

P/S : Side note, i love these pics of R. i remm hw whn he was 17 and i saw him cradling a baby, it was one of his most endearing moments. now six years later, this fatherly, affectionate side of him still tugs at my heartstrings. :)

my turn! What can i say : i won't bother to hide it, im smitten by this smart little monster!

Almost fell off my seat in laughter in Ubin whilst celebrating intoxicated XG's bday today. they always crack me up. n hanging out juz watching Superstar. Sheesh, poor xinhui got voted out . i liked her! *hmph* why do chinese songs always seem to stir up deep-seated emotions that english songs cant match up to? Maybe deep down inside, i'm still Chinese.

More later. Now, let's just let these pictures do the talking. Self-declared Friday holiday. Wheeeeeeeeeee. :)

2005-08-17T22:50:00.000+08:00

full throttle

so it's yet another week in school. sch's gaining full speeeeed ahead, throwing me into the quizzes, filming, headaches after 12-hour days and chasing stories. you know how busy i've been by the frequency (or lack thereof) of my blog entries. yup, that's a gd measurement yet. :P last wk was crazy. i didnt even haf time to write abt my frustrations coz i was too frustrated to pen my angst. it wldnt haf sounded too nice as well.

in my own Shakespeare-esque words, my night became day and my day became night. its somewhat better now, but wait till filming for BJ starts this Fri night(night, yes inhumane n inevitable night) and the long nights ton-ning, straining our eyes over editing nxt week. n then, my ST work too. when will it eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend? please let it be soon. its really no joke trying to chase the same ol' pple 4 photo requests n plugging. haiz.

i also realised i haf a low tolerance for software as well. my 227 mates sharon n chang can vouch for tt! i simply dun haf the patience for the non-living COMPUTER n its nitty gritty components n alliances when it doesnt work the way i expect it to. haha. patience-tester man.

ive recently been convicted abt materialism yet again. its been a recurring train of thought that i simply cant block out. meaningless, meaningless, all is meaningless. vanity, vanity, vanity. after you've purchased that $150 2nd hand processed Levi's 593, those 2 pairs of $3 earrings, that $30 SEED bag, do you feel satisfied, do your desires feel satiated, do you feel complete, do you feel joy?? coz i don't. n ive come to realise that. all i fool myself with is a temporal adrenalin high.

the sweetest moments tt i cherish now are those rare quality times spent with you. you're beautiful, it's true.

2005-08-09T01:47:00.000+08:00

for the love of friendship

this semi-long wkend was well-spent. i thoroughly enjoyed it.

evrytime R is away (which is comparatively more than what im used to), its always an opportunity for solitude, meditation, catching up with friends n family n more time for myself. though at the back of my mind, i wonder how he's doing, what he's doing n the tingling feeling of missing someone strikes occasionally, im actually glad for these chances for us to be apart.

i think space once in awhile is needed and healthy. coz his 72-hour men's retreat 4 the Walk to Emmaus doesnt really favour communication with the outside world lest they get distracted, i havent spoken to him in awhile. but it's okay coz as i said, this weekend has been really fulfilling!

FOP
* delirious, hillsong
* 11,000 full-house crowd, what a wonderful n heartening sight
* earth-shaking worship
* relevation of God my Saviour
* His faithfulness, an encouragement in my race of faith
* supper with Jay's family at "where else", so precious

I managed to catch Willy Wonka on Sun with jay,luan n tiffy too. gosh we were so bowled over with laughter n im sure luannie knows the song inside out by now. hahahhaa. the Oompa-Loompas were so hilarious. hahaha..but then when i turned ard n became aware that the cinema was dotted by many who were *ahem* just about 10 yrs my junior, suddenly i felt so childish. hahhaa. oh well. juvenile is good sometimes. there's a child in every one of us. :) n of coz it was yet another precious time spent with the gals. sharing shamefully bimbotic jokes, ministry struggles n basically just chillin' :P thank God for u guys.

n for pre-National day celebrations, Pearlie's belated bdae! though it was at the other end of the "world" for me at Tanah Merah, thank God for hammie's company on the train! haha. as usual, bbq-ing was fun. it was juz like the good ol' times again. silly lame laughs, excitedly squealing over ANTM, catching up n above all, enjoying each other's company. i love u guys to bits. i wish we had more time together. cant believe now four of you are in NUS. sob. musnt forget this girl who stays just 15 minutes away from your school when you go for prata okie? haha. :P

on a more sombre note, though i am disappointed with the blase attitudes of some key persons, I am glad that I took the initiative to resolve the issue. I think i trust people too easily, at least that's what some have said to me before. i also open up to people really fast n becoz i tend to be very relational, consider them as friends. but its a pity sometimes, when these feelings are not reciprocated. oh well. i've learnt that one cant always think of quitting when the going gets tough and awkward situations crop up. sometimes you just have to stick through it. at the end of the trial, there'll always be a blessing. blessed are those who persevere.

i think the Lord has been teaching me many wonderful lessons of late. or at least revealing many things to me. patience. loving my enemies. seeking before acting. listening before speaking. trusting and relying. leadership.

n im regaining my sense of normalcy and falling into a routine. that's good but still more challenges await. its more faith, less doubt.

am just glad to have tomorrow, my longest day in the week, off. goodnight world.

2005-08-02T22:09:00.000+08:00

hit by the bug

430 coffee break. 430 lecture.
cross-legged comfy cushion. cross-legged lappie.
branding. benches.
make up. no make up.
35 min bus train. 50 min bus train bus.
Alot Like Love OST/Avril. Planetshakers/Hillsongs.
worry-free nights. worrisome days AND nights.
heeled. flip-flops.
skirts/pants. shorts/jeans.
typing. reading.

fragments of a missed reality. semblance of past love. still meditating on a lost utopia. semi-conscious to rude awakenings of complexities in one's current existence. with every experience in life, one usually takes home something special. in this case, there were many special snippets and special faces.

sometimes, people cling on to the past beyond what necessity dictates.

currently under the weather. body has serious problems adapting to harsh lifestyle n environmental changes. dun bug me.

i still love journalism.

2005-08-01T00:30:00.000+08:00

Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

i don't know how. i don't know why my mind is playing tricks on me. the horrid realities of backlog readings, impending projects n every form of stress threatens to consume me. and at the back of my mind, unresolved issues linger.

lie low, that's what i hope to do for now. that's a reasonable request to ask, no?

thank you for all who have stood by me.

Blessed be your name, in the land that is plentiful

where the streams of abundance flow, blessed be your name

Blessed be your name, when I'm found in the desert place

when I walk through the wilderness, blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise

when the darkness closes in Lord still I will say

Blessed Be Your Name

2005-07-30T16:41:00.000+08:00

Psalm 3 - The Lifter of my head

O Lord, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep ; I wake up again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O Lord! Deliver me, O my God!

the remedies :

#1 Going to the Lord and peeps ard me

#2 Shopping in JB and feasting

#3 Time

i want to respond rightly, not react. i want to hurl abuse at the groundless accusations but i will not sin in my anger. i will leave my vindication to the One who holds the world in His hands. one becomes more distraught when pple you contact in distress do not respond and are not supportive one bit. well well what can i say.

on a happier note, interpersonal comm is hilariously silly. N calls her neurotic. haha. n we gt to watch movies! hw cool is that. but err...not v cool tt i hardly noe anyone. i wanna change tut class.

Sch of Rock finals tmr. who wans 2 go wif me? haha. muz go support my neighbours, Branding. they've worked so hard for it. And of course i secretly harbour the desire of seeing a certain reporter jamming on his e-guit. haha. gahh. rubbish.

my morale may be shaken but my spirit is not. i will be back.

2005-07-26T23:01:00.000+08:00

back to boonlay

this girl is still reeling frm her far frm satisfactory 2nd day in school that's just passed before her eyes. for sum strange n uncanny reason, she misses work.

i miss waking up at more "godly" hours (believe you me, 6 hrs juz does not work 4 me), i miss the friendships tt were forged during tt short span of three mths, i miss doing something that's so related to wad i'd want to do in the future, i miss hafing a steady source of income n surprisingly, i miss sue. sheesh. it seems like all tt has transpired has just vanished into thin air within the snap of one's fingers. suddenly, hafing dinner at 10pm doesnt seem so bad anymore. nor does dragging my feet to toa payoh. at least, its something tt i derive tremendous satisfaction frm, at the end of it.

u know, i noe there's a prob whn i look forward 2 the strangest and most ling4 lei4 modules each sem. like last sem, it was French, Social Psy n thank God, BMW. this sem, it's Lit, Journ Prac and BJ until today. It sumhow always works out to be the GEs or the PEs, not the cores. And tt's really a bummer.

I just realised hw terribly insane a life of a broadcast journalist is after lecture today. mayb all tt she said was just a big lie to scare us off, bt it just further concretised my decision to stick with print. amphibious yes, i will try. but interest wise-sorry, my allegiance to print is unshakeable at this instance. and suddenly, BJ moves up a few notches on the difficulty scale.

n then it hit me. whn i looked thru the syllabus, yr 3 seems so exciting. it beckons. why? simply because we wld haf specialised already. n i wun haf 2 trudge thru modules tt r sumwhat unrelated to my field of work in the future. yes im pretty much sure of whre i want, or at least hope to be many years frm now. tt was the very reason y i came to CS, not law or arts. And, the reason still holds.

To compound matters, in the evening, the ante was upped again by the daunting number tt showed up today. overwhelming response was not wad i xpected. its a gd ting 4 the team as a whole i guess. dun ask me y then i feel this way. i guess evryting tt ive previously done was always out of interest, at the own expense of my time n effort. bt nw tt its a module, i feel intimidated n somewhat pressured tt im graded based on sum arbitrary criteria.

then, there's exchange. i dun even know wad my 1st choice shld be. Ithaca, San Diego, USC? I dun even know if God wants me to go. evryting seems so hazy rite nw.

another item i hope to strike out in my to-do list soon, my single-parents package. its just been too long-drawn. tho i love working on features, its really not fun to be juggling both the responsibility of a student as well as a working adult.

of coz there were things 2 thank God for today. like getting ee-lai-nee as my grp member in 221! cldnt be more grateful. haha. :) coffee w oxford ginger at NIE this afternoon. n of coz, the highlight, R driving me hm aft a loooong n shoulder-aching day of lugging 6 textbooks, 1 laptop and stacks of notes. i dunno if he gt the car bcoz he knew hw tired i was or bcoz he happened to try his luck n see if he cld get the car. either way, im thankful! :) *relieved* cant imagine rubbing shoulders with the homebound crowd on the bus n mrt with tt load i was carrying.

another eureka moment : i realised tt alot of wad im feeling now, the underlying emotion stems frm fear. fear of the unknown. fear of the challenges tt await me in the coming sem. and at the end of all this, there is only one comfort. tt as Jehovah Rohi, my shepherd, God is going to guide me thru every step of the way, always holding my hand, always being the still small voice. thank you Lord.

2005-07-23T02:23:00.000+08:00

don't you know me

what happens when you let your work get to you?
.....you turn into a monster.

simply irrational. simply too emotionally high-strung.

sorry for today.

2005-07-21T00:28:00.000+08:00

FinaLe

wow...can't believe it's been almost three months. sometimes I wonder where I'd got all that stamina, perseverence, joy and strength from but yea, I know the answer already :)

lots of things been happening lately. been wanting 2 do a countdown tingy 2 my last day of work but late nights n unfinished work didn't let that materialise. :P anihow, today was a great finale to my stint here. winning feature of the mth was hoped for, but nevertheless unexpected. so was the excellence award. its an extra $250 in total but i'll hafta share half.

whilst i'm indescribably elated at getting back my own life now, this whole entire experience juz seems so surreal. really too good to be true. the warmth in office, thru superiors like S and AJ, the boisterous bunch frm branding n SWG. the ever faithful chron team. yeah it's been a really fruitful 3 months. though i didnt get to rest n re-charge much 4 the nxt sem ahead, i wldnt trade all these memories 4 anything else. it's a door that God has opened. Let's just see where He will lead from here lor.

for now...i STILL need to tie up loose ends for my single-parents package. *BIG SIGH* hopefully by this wkend can gao tim. if nt it'll b extreme sian-ness whn i haf2 go bk 2 sch n still worry over the package. then, thursday's chron production. think i'll hafta drop by for awhile. somehow, staying overnite in NTU just doesnt seem tempting to me at this point in time. gahh.

i'll be gg ubin tmr for some filming. -1 day off frm my 2 day rest b4 sch starts. but let's just hope Friday is a good rest day. OH WAIT, did i forget tt i haf a phone interview at 2pm w a single mum then? grrr.

eat/drink/breathe journ. that's my life on a platter for you.

and so it is...just like you said it would be. we'll both forget the breeze.

2005-07-16T01:55:00.000+08:00

for the rockin' record

there are alot of stuff in life that rocks. but i'm gg 2 focus on 1 issue today. and that's hafing ur own transport.

wads better than going up North across the causeway for a $5 per person zi cha meal, complete with butter prawns and salad you tiao at 10pm at night? or how about not hafing to worry when you decide to catch a late night movie coz u dun hafta pay exorbitant cab fares? den u also haf someone to pick you up when you work late nights or have tons of stuff 2 carry back. not satisfied? then one should be bowled over by the fact that you get home in half the time, albeit with messy hair n sumtimes the occasional raindrops.

though i'd make mine a four-wheel any other day, this is one of my "i-feel-so-contented" days and i'd say bask in this attitude babe! =P

haha. i tink those who dun haf their own transport now must be peeved at my little soliloquy. but hey, u guys probably haf ur own family car which i dun haf the luxury of having. so there! that more than makes up for it huh? *winks*

yawns. sleepy sleepy. brought home work this weekend coz there's just 2 much 2 finish b4 wed. tink im hafing bangkok withdrawal symptoms. shall expound more on that in the following entry. ta!

P/S : Having your own machine roxxxx

2005-07-15T01:01:00.000+08:00

2005-07-07T00:21:00.000+08:00

a whole crock of absolute nonsense

lei. zhen de hen lei. i feel quite exhausted and really drained since like last week. this week was just intensive. took night transport back AGAIN for the 2nd time since my internship started. and was so suay to kenna this bus which dropped pple off at RANGOON ROAD and orchard road before detouring back 2 dover, of which i had to give directions coz the driver didnt know how 2 get to holland road frm town? im like. huhhhhhhhhhhh. 1130. so lei le. den still hafta give directions.

IOC. was connected to the goggle box since 9am this morn. haha. super inspiring and super interesting. coz nick hosted in french summore. haha. very disruptive also. cannot concentrate properly at work. le paris video was soooooo good. j'aime beaucoup! rekindled my love for Paris and French. melod and i were damn sad that they didnt get it lah. hehh. they lost by like 4 votes i hear? what the. sheesh. now i haf no more reason to go up to Paris in 2012 for a holiday. haha.

i havent been sleeping well. haf been feverish and on the verge of being taken captive by the flu virus all week. ive got 3 profiles to write by Friday and 2 chron articles (of which my news article is giving me crap). journ is really taking over my whole entire life. for now. n i dunno whether to be happy or sad. at this time, let's just say its too overwhelming. im working 12 hour days this week lah. heh. nt been eating properly also. i didnt even haf time 2 pao instant noodles yest 4 dinner. plus ive embarked on the 40 days fast 4 breakfast. it will get better!

counting down the days to BKK. sometimes i regret that i had to take leave for this. coz if i didnt have to, i might not be so rushed to clear all the stories this week. grrrrrrrr. bu yao jiang le. but as a fellow intern said : "nono, you need the break lah" which is technically true. shopping always releases endorphins doesnt it. ohoh, and i bought myself a spanking new pair of sunnies frm the MNG sale. haha. if u read my blog entry 2 weeks back u wld haf known tt i made a resolution nt 2 buy any clothes frm tt day until my BKK trip. technically, i've kept to it so far lah. so im proud of that. hahhaa. :P

interviewing mr SG tmr. he seems nice albeit intimidating. heh. initially i thought he looked really terrible, but after glancing at the website recently, ive concluded he really does resemble dao ming si. haha.

really prayin' that i'll b able 2 finish all the stuff that i need to do by fri.

ohoh, haf i told u how doing this single parents package has really made me jaded? my utopian ideals of marriage are being shaken by all the interviews. seriously. that's what i told sue and she just chuckled. think she didnt take me seriously. but really lah, im not so quick to say that i wanna get married anymore.

if pple can b happily married for 8 yrs, 20 yrs and yet haf their ungrateful husbands cheat on them aft all tt hard work they put in into raising the kids, i dunno what else can happen lah. wad nonsense when these men say "u've been a gd mother but terrible wife" yah like give me a break lah. if u're wise enuff to realise ive been a good mother, u'd realise that im doing this out of my love for you and YOUR children and YOUR family. so dun give me this crap that i'm a lousy wife juz becoz u cant keep at bay ur raging testosterone.

n really lah, 1 interviewee put it really well. if only her ex-husband had stuck around. now that their kids are older and can take care of themselves, this is the time they shld be gg out 2 enjoy themselves n going on dates. see. this is the problem with men. they only think about enjoying themselves ALL THE TIME. they nv think long-term. they don't realise the sacrifices their wives make for the kids and instead of helping out, they pay their wives back by committing adultery. wayyyyy to go you horrible, irresponsible men. grrr.

pardon my angst. u noe. as an "objective n unbiased" journalist, i cant possibly write all this down on paper right. hence my rant now. its cathartic. so pardon me. haha. i'll blog abt happier things soon. cheers.

2005-07-02T01:35:00.000+08:00

seen it all

at first i was elated when i thought of what i wanted 2 say in this entry. but too bad, the change of events made me furious, then angry, now im just jaded.

And I want to believe you,
when you tell me that it'll all be okay.
Yeah I try to believe you,
but I don't.

When you say that it's gonna be,
it always turns out to be a different way.
I try to believe you,
just not today, today, today, today, today.

And I, don't know how I'll feel tomorrow
And I, don't know what to say tomorrow

2005-06-26T23:24:00.000+08:00

many pennies for my purchases

grrr.my entire blog entry tt i finished typing just got wiped out. aniwae, the gist is, pity my poor wallet and anorexic account coz i spent like at least a 100 bucks 2dae. the returns? 3 MNG tops, my first CD in years! (Avril), a new platypus waterbottle to replace my old one which melod calls "rotten" and lots of gd food and drinks in my tummy now. haha. though the dollars r set to roll in within the nxt few days, i cant help the nagging feeling of guilt. jeeeeeez. bu yao jiang le. the resolution? no more shopping until 2 wks later. keep me accountable okie. haha.

aniwae, its more or less settled. im gg 2 take up an instrument. prob acoustic bah (since the expertise is available, hee) n mk sure i learn it well. too sick n tired of being so lost n marginalised alrdy. or maybe like bass or like drums. ANYTHING lah. anything tt will mk me more musically-sound besides the piano tt i alrdy know. trust me. im gonna make it happen this time.

mustered up the courage to ask brina if i cld borrow jer's car to pick R frm the airport up tmr. dun ask me whre tt thick-skinnedness came frm. haha. its been building up over the past 2 mths i guess. haha.

well, after yest nite n 2dae, ive really grown to appreciate that familiar constant source of encouragement, that shoulder to lean on, that pair of ears that hears me out in times of anxiety/disappointment and that silly and child-like behaviour which i miss dearly now. happy 2 yrs n 2 mths today, though im alone. see you tmr. :)

2005-06-25T14:25:00.000+08:00

in retrospect

twas' the week of getting played out but a refreshing one nonetheless. supposed to meet friends to catch up mid-wk (which I did get round to catching up with some) but some that i was looking forward 2 meet just played me out lah or are about to. but it's okie! that meant, more time with my family on those nights. :) ohoh, and i got to catch Alot of Love which was just absolutely sweet on all three strikes. albeit unrealistic. but tell me which sappy love movie isnt huh. haha.

i guess it wasn't a particularly easy time with him not being around and all that. but one learns to cope i guess. esp since this isnt the first time. but im so glad that the day of arrival is just within reach! but first, worship leading on sunday. even a more daunting task since all these music gurus are not ard to help me out plus my co-worship leader. sob. but God has been good. thank God tt all the other church ppl who remain haf been there 4 me n haf been so nice knowing tt im alone. haha.

i had a wonderful time interviewing those single dads and mums though. learnt alot and was very encouraged too.

sigh. i havent been to the fruit sale. i feel so deprived and so out of touch with urbanisation. hopefully tmr i'll get 2 at least pop by. but by tt time, all the sizes n all the bags wld haf been swiped off the shelves by bargain-hungry shoppers who haf already been to the sale, say about 3 times? haha. see my point. im so lagging.

oh, n i realised that my passion for online shopping has been rekindled. thanks to sites like german shoes online, rouge and urban nymph. haha. of coz an actual purchase is yet another step only possible with large amounts of moolah. don't remind me how ive onli been paid a quarter of what im supposed to get by the end of this 2 months. jeez.

ramble ramble ramble. incoherent thoughts. are they my forte?

2005-06-20T21:41:00.000+08:00

call it emo

so my dar has left on a jet plane at 8am today of which I cldnt send him off coz i had an interview in the afternoon n cldnt afford 2 be sleepy. sigh.

im working on this single parents package nw and it's really welling up all sorts of feelings inside of me. i thot i'd b overwhelmed w emotion todae n burst out crying at the interview but obviously i didnt coz the little four-year-old was just tooo adorable and unbelievably intelligent for his age. n to think he's only been brought up by 1 parent. my heart really goes out to all single parents n tho its so oft said n it cldnt b more cliche, they r really so brave to walk down tt road which nt many wld dare venture on. i thot it'd b weird 2 interview a TNP journalist 2dae - i mean like a journalist interviewing a journalist (n she's so xperienced too) but well, she turned out 2 b soooooooo nice. thank God! im like so angry at all these irresponsible "fathers" who dump their girlfriends when they're pregnant lah. sounds like its taken frm sum movie but reality has it that the numbers are soaring in SG. these little boys r soooo adorable. u noe hw im biased 2wards baby boys. bleah.

ok, haf u heard? my sup wans me 2 work for another 2 weeks coz she tinks if i leave early (on 8th as opposed to the initial 22nd tt i was supposed to work till) , i'd anger the HR pple n kill my chances of returning. sheesh. tt day whn i heard tt i was soooooo irritated lah. coz i had set my hopes so high upon slacking 4 the last 2 wks b4 sch started. nw i haf 2 work right up to the week b4 sch starts. grrrrrrr. but she let me take 3 days off 4 my bangkok trip and 2dae she said i cld leave 2 days earlier on a wed so at least i haf thurs, fri and the wkend 2 rest b4 gg bk 2 sch on mon. thank God! she's sooooo nice. as always. but sob. it doesnt really change the fact tt i'll b working rite up till sch starts? heh. ok, so it wld haf been wad. 13 weeks? that's like half of a professional attachment tt i'll b doing in yr 3. kaoz. bt its been great. i love it. in fact, i tink it's 2 good 2 be true tt i dun tink it accurately reflects what the life of a journalist really shld be. bahhh.let me live in this dream for now. :P

anw, remind me to spend this week wisely which im gg 2. haf plans 2 mt up wif peeps who i havent met up 4 a long time or nv had a chance to and get more rest at hm too. i just hope it'll gt by quickly tho. i noe the absence of a familiar figure is gg 2 set in latest mid-week.

pray 4 me! tink i mite b falling sick. throat isnt gd. u guys tc.

2005-06-15T23:26:00.000+08:00

a mish-mash of contemplation

sometimes i never understand why i always seem 2b found in such situations. i was this close to losing someone so dear. why did you have to resort to that. i knew it was coming. i guess all i can do now for you is pray really hard and thank God for people like R n WT.

and you. you ask why im always so angry.im not and you know that. you think i was being unreasonable for flaring up? i've tolerated such behaviour for too long without saying anything. all i wanted 2 do whn i came bk 2nite was be alone in my rm SILENTLY and seek solace from solitude and my private comfort zone especially after i slept at 3am last night. i dun tink i was wrong to flare up at you and i think it was not uncalled for. im sorry you feel this way but if that's what you choose to feel, i cant do anything.

and my dad. he lost my passport today while renewing some insurance policy. wow. now im passport-less and i/c-less. i feel void of identity. im an uncounted entity in Singapore now. but guess what, im glad that my identity is found in Christ! which is so in line with what ive been reading for QT lately. ok, heh. unrelated. told you its a mish-mash of unaligned and disorganized thoughts. but seriously, now i have to pay like what - $450 to get my passport, my ic and my driver's licence replaced? it's like...wow. n tt crazy office of finance at ntu hasnt refunded me my $300+ worth of hostel fees lah. so efficient man seriously.

i gave up EIC for GoForth. going to give up EPIC for Reuben Morgan. God must be well-pleased. but it's only right lah. misplaced priorities call for new measures.

there is one thing that im ultra-sensitive to and something that has the potential to break me - uncontrollable n unwarranted shouting. that's something that throws me into emotional turmoil. why must there be shouting. why must there be pain where there should be love and warmth in a place like this?

the next 2 weeks are going to be hard coz ive not been given much PROPER work to do, no packages to look forward to, no melod 2 haf lunch with, no luan n tiffy 2 hang out wif n nxt wk's worse. no more J n BZ, gosh im going 2 miss those daily lotusnotes conversations with her. n my sup is flying off to Paris for a week, no more neighbour, no more direction at work for a week. n the worst worst worst part - R is gg 2b in cambodia for the 3rd time in a year nxt wk too. he's leading the team this time round. WT's gg 2b gone, luan too. and guess what, jay's going to aussie as well. sigh. the only way im gg 2 get thru this 2 tough weeks is by God's strength and grace.

And AFTER THAT, it'll b the last 2 wks of my stint!! wahhh.....haf been waiting so long to wanna say that man. hahaha..even tho i enjoyed myself lots, learnt lots, loved it lots, im kinda tired. after that, i wld haf worked for 11 weeks! piangs. unbelievable. this is my first permanent job i've held for so long consecutively (minus my tuition lah).

and, im so proud of you dar! soccer captain n TL huh? haha. no matter hw much luannie n i whine abt the wkly untimely sessions, you know we're so proud of you guys esp whn we watch y'all on the field.

you know ive always thought one should never wear his/her heart on their sleeve, at least not in dear ol' Shakespeare's time. but i guess im sick n tired of false pretence, superficial ramblings and shallow meditations.

cheers to honesty.

2005-06-09T00:02:00.000+08:00

of nasty and nice people

in the past month, I've had my fair share of encounters with varied types of species. there's people like M, who has been so unbelievably "oh you can call me anytime and lets go out for coffee another time, off the record" nice. and then there's people like BS, who hail from the league of anal corporate mouthpieces who absolutely ruined my strawbery shortcake perfect lalaland impression of my stint here. not forgetting E who is always unfazed and unnervingly calm about every seemingly impossible task that is thrown at her. coming together in a pair, there's W. i dunno what to say about you anymore but let's just say it was nice working with you while it lasted. and of course there's her, my neighbour whom I absolutely adore chatting about anything under the sun to that you wldnt guess *gasp* she's the one I report to. and also those whom I hold in high regard. these are the people who converse in a smattering of Singlish complete with "lahs", "lors" and "hors" but when they start penning their thoughts, their craft is beyond admiration. they can connect so marvellously with coffee shop uncles yet maintain such a high degree of professionalism in their dealings with mangaging directors. of course there's those who let out strings of expletives at every chance, punctuating their every sentence with words that make it seem like it's the end of the world. and then the witty and charming fellas who tickle me with their posts over the system. finally, there is this group of people, whom I look forward to lunching with and who help me get through the days.

my eyes hath seen no less than this.

2005-06-05T22:04:00.000+08:00

angels brought me here

it was prob the best wkend i've had in a long time. aside frm the fact tt i was blessed with those 5pgs yesterday. yah..to all those who have made a big deal out of it, thank u for ur encouragement! :) seriously, i wanna say that all this wldnt haf been possible without God. the strength He gave me to endure the late nights, the frantic mad rushes, the opportunities He opened up for me, and the unmerited favour and grace He has been granting me for the past month.

its been a long and winding journey but I'm finally here tonight

picking up the pieces and walking back into the light

into the sunset of Your glory, where my heart and future lie

my dreams came true, when I found You

i found You, my miracle

if you could see, what I see
He's the answer to my prayers
and if you could feel, the tenderness I feel
you would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here.

thank you Lord.

bought the Macs Male Artists CD today. haha. this is what happens when you go on a anti-piracy policy. hafta spend $3 on 5 songs. but oooh, i liked those songs so tts y i wanted 2 get it. hmmm..kinda bummed out tt MSN's download 5 songs and get 1 free is only opened to US residents. heh. i shall wait n kp my fingers crossed for more such legal MP3 providers!

anw, EIC's act kicked off with what better opening song? sometimes you can't make it on your own! ahhhh. *screams* haha. Balaclava was fantabulous. So was staying over at tiffy's and sending jay off this morning. minus the fact that i had 3 hrs of sleep. haha. but i love you guys to bits. :)

kk, this was my wkend in a jiffy. on the whole, im just thankful for the 2 out of 7 days of respite every week! i'd go crazy without them. haha. gra out.

2005-06-01T00:47:00.000+08:00

late nights.

left office at 1130pm with melod. aiyoh. we r nuts man. haha. but no choice, hafta churn out stuff by tomorrow. eh night transport quite fun. haha. can save on cabfare. but i actually dun mind working late if i can see a tangible reward in terms of the article getting published. haha. so i guess its good. i tink i'll be so angry if any other job makes me stay until 11plus at night lar.

subject registration. i thot of taking french level 2.but i realised i cldnt bring myself to. i thot of taking other language GEs also. but then i also cldn't bring myself to. i just cant imagine going back to that same corridor and same staircase again. not now. not yet. i dunno when i'll ever tk french 2. maybe yr 3 bah. maybe nv at all in my uni. life. sigh. im overloading this sem. dunno how tt'll work out but God bless me. haha.

i know its easier, to walk away then look it in the eye. But I have given all that I could take, and now I've only habits left to break.

baby goodbye, doesn't mean forever.

2005-05-28T00:06:00.000+08:00

Shattered dreams, Broken realities.

ONCE upon a time, I doubted if I could ever realise my dream of becoming a journalist. Recently, Ive been thinking about whether this is really where my passion lies. Day in, day out. Interviews. Dealing with people. Being on your toes. Tonight, it hit me hard again. So hard that they wont stop falling.

The realisation of what I just walked away from hit me. The best part is, I dont know why I reacted that way. I dont know if it was coz I was tired and part of me was like, okay, we have got pictures, Ive taken notes, lets wrap up and go home and I will mk do with whatever info I have. Or whether I was scared to approach them and didnt know how to coz I failed to plan my story out which was my fault as well lah. I think reporting is really different from feature writing. It is so much more spontaneous ya noe? And the big factor that was contributing to my ennui, was coz of what or who I was writing for. When you introduce yourself to be from ST, deres really no problem of people not knowing you. But when you write for a less known publication, it just takes so much work explaining and you feel even a tad embarrassed to be even wasting people’s time for what seemed like such an insignificant piece. And I guess that was one of the major struggles I was grappling with tonight. it is really very different working for ST. i felt like i was nothing tonight compared to the last month that i've been through.

im alone in my struggles. of coz i dont expect anyone to understand but at least you could have been more encouraging instead of being forceful. ur tone, ur mannerisms. it was like as if you doubted me. and BY THE WAY, i might have stayed around longer to talk to people if i wasnt so upset with the way you were chiding me for my incompetence. i just wanted to go HOME at that point in time.

and after that, what? No supper. No proper dinner. Hungry, tired. Of course, you conveniently forgot. If you could understand how upset I was feeling, you wouldnt have forgot. A great finale to the night.

As an audience, it was a great night. As a reporter, it was one of the worst nites of my life. Cheers to my shattered dreams.

who am i? what do i wanna be when i grow up? i don't know anymore man. i don't know.

2005-05-23T01:44:00.000+08:00

food for one's thought

went 2 wala's 2dae w R n don. it was fun hafing another person ard 2day. 2 of us only really boring lar. 2-piece band on sundays only. abit disappointed bt i guess they r gd enuff 2 carry it off. :P aiyoh, saw Rachael frm Eye For A Guy 1. hehhh. further convinced me tt she really is no head-turner. piangz. i thought her only saving grace was her height. bt seeing her in real person is like, whhhat. she's not even that tall. denise is still undisputably gorgeous. :)

and i realised smth. pple frm the media industry are like one kind wan lar. i mean, not those in comm studies rite nw bt rather those who r alrdy part of tt industry, be it in production houses, PR line, artiste management companies etc. i promise myself tt i will not lead tt kinda lifestyle in the future if i were 2 b part of the industry. that's the thing abt me. im like so hard 2b pigeon-holed into any particular category. if u say im wild, nah, u seriously dunno what is REALLY wild. i don't even smoke. n im still quite highly rational. if u say im holier-than-thou, nah. u seriously dunno what being REALLY holy is. i dun think im there yet. or is anyone.but sum r just closer to that standard than i am. so that's gra for you.

But I'm open, you're closed/Where I follow, you'll go/I worry I won't see your face/Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes/Even the wrong words seem to rhyme/Out of the doubt that fills my mind/I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know/You make a first impression/I've found I'm scared to know/I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes/Even the stars refuse to shine/Out of the back you fall in time/You somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here/I've lost my place/I'm close behind

2005-05-22T00:48:00.000+08:00

relieved.

yipeeee.its the long wkend!! :P u dunno how happy i am, coz work has been soooo stale this week. n i realised tt its the 1st 5 day week i've had so far as well. so still needs sum getting used to. coz when i 1st started work, there was the Labour Day long wkend, den i had 2 daes MC. yea..so this is the 1st proper week. draaaaining. was practically half-dead by friday. haha. oh wells. come nxt wk, i would haf been in ST for 1 mth. wow. time flies huh.

sigh. dad wants me 2 give A level tuition to his friend's daughter. sumtimes i wish he'd just take a little more interest in my life. then he'll actually know how busy i am n how cheesed off i am w my current tuition kid. teaching is just NOT my cuppa tea. i haf no patience for kids who haf horrible learning attitudes. so now as if giving O level tuition is not enough, he wants to pile me with another tuition kid. can someone please tell me how am i supposed 2 teach 2 kids, work 5 days a wk n haf enuff time for church stuff? and when sch starts, it'll b equally bad. furthermore, O and A levels r drawing near. am i supposed 2 create miracles? doesnt he know hw much im struggling alrdy w 1 tuition kid n hw much i psycho myself n practically drag myself 2 tuition each wk? worst part. i feel indebted to this particular friend of his. becoz he has been supporting my family in many ways n at times, specifically me, too. it sucks. am at a dilemma now. if i outrightly reject it (which i tried to do a few days ago bt didnt go down well), i'd b letting my dad down coz i noe he really wans me 2 do this. if i take it on, its like welcome to hell. SIGH. big sigh. God help me.

okay. push it out of my mind for now. priority no. 1 : enjoy the weekeeeeeeeeeeeeend. Happy bdae AMC! :)

2005-05-18T23:25:00.000+08:00

the

this week has just been such. moments of joy, moments of disappointment. n all within such a short span of time. in the newsroom, i guess things will always be like that. at times the thrill of coming so close to that elusive byline overwhelms you, at other times, the dread of having let it slip through your fingers haunts you. i sumhw dun tink a life of a journalist is really such coz once u get the job u dun really care much 4 bylines coz u noe u'll sumhw gt the chance anyway.

ok, it aint as bad as i make it sound. i love the late mornings, the long lunch breaks, the tea time, the freedom n the perks. but yea, its just been 1 long week. just cant wait for the promise of the weekend. yawns.

2005-05-16T11:47:00.000+08:00

sleepy Monday morning, rain is fallin'...

yawns. overheard an interesting conversation on the MRT today. n its 1 of the rare days i actually tk the MRT to work. today's coz of the weather.

Boy : "You know ar, City Harvest is different from other churches. When you go into other churches rite, the atmosphere is very quiet one, everyone will just sing n listen to sermon. But you go into City Harvest hor, the people are jumping all over the place and shouting and singing on top of their voices."

Girl A : "izzit?!?! wah...how come you got to go there?"

Boy : "my friend brought me.."

Girl A : "ehh..i heard you cannot just go in there yourself one right. need people to bring you inside or something rite!" (ed's note : hmm..wonder if she's confused btw a country club n a church)

Boy : "No need lah. Anyone can go in. Just that you'll be alone lah."

Girl A (disbelieving) : "Izzit???"

Boy : "Yah..and tell you another difference. Other churches hor, they build vertically upwards towards heaven. For City Harvest ar..they are the only church that has their services underground! That means they built their church vertically downwards towards......"

Girl A : "Hah?!?"

Girl B : (big-eyed wonder)

(...and the editor went back to her snoozing so that's all she listened to)

interesting rite? Anyway, hmm..nothing much 2 do in office today that's why can type such crap. in the pipeline are some interviews i hafta conduct with CEOs. kinda apprehensive n jittery just thinking abt it. n apparently I have to use some listening device connected to the phone so that i can record their evry word. helps so tt i dun miss out any vital info. BUT, its weird. i'll b the onli 1 wif tt alien-looking device attached to my phone n possibly, my head. hehhh. i tink i wanna change my mind abt using tt device. apparently i need it coz if i misquote the CEOs, their company share prices might drop. Nownow, gra wouldn't want fluctuations in the market becoz of her would she? hahahaha....siao. im really crappy this morn.

ok lah, shall go n busy myself wif more productive stuff. laterz.

2005-05-12T23:14:00.000+08:00

bLesSed

140505, 1:31am edit : yes, i am blessed whn sum1 i barely know frm another desk decides to treat me, an intern, to a lovely lunch @ Jaan. the view frm the 70th level was spectacular n breath-taking. it was like a dream come true. i've always wanted 2 go dere aft hearing evryone rave abt equinox n new asia bar. im still marvelling at wad a generous gesture tt was, to pick up the tab. tho i noe 30++ for a lunch doesnt mean much 2 some, to me, it's really a big deal coz $$ is juz so hard 2 come by these days. ive always been taught 2 b frugal. n as much as i love the high life, i cannot afford it, AS YET. gosh...friday's gg 2 b a day 2 remember. suddenly, i love my job more. the princess feels like a princess. :)

yep. despite of having lotsa stuff 2 do, can't help feeling blessed. :) so i returned 2 work after a 2-day hiatus. had 2 re-adapt 2 the pace n all. but ppl were nice. so it was gd.

n wed nite was great w my pcgm! thanks for all ur encouragement peeps. happy tt we cld mt after what seemed like quite a long time. steamboat's fun. we shld do it more often. aniwae, hope all those who just started work r doing great. how's CNA babe? and the history museum? n big THANKS to WT, my kind n generous friend. haha. really very touched. u noe whn ure like so tired out, 1 kind act really matters.

i guess part n parcel of life is 2 learn how 2 take criticism. to absorb the helpful n filter the irrelevant. its been tough hearing the good n the bad. appreciate the bad being told 2 me directly. i'd b kidding 2 sae it doesnt affect me. but what i'd say is that im learning how to cope w it n yeah, I thank God that I have the support of the many pple ard me. :) again, blessed.

tonite, i decided 2 reward myself by going home earlier than i planned to. 7plus. haha. and treating myself to a hearty meal at holland w great company n great dessert later at coffeebean. chilling out is bliss. haha. and of coz, my best reward is forcing myself not to touch my work tonite tho my deadline is tmr. cant stand the idea of never-ending work n bringing hm work 2 do after a long day in office. i guess one has 2 learn whre 2 draw the line.

yes, despite all trials, i am blessed. because i haf an ever-dependable Father. :)

2005-05-10T14:03:00.000+08:00

home-bound

tomorrow's the end of my semi-official holiday. haha. bahhh. couldn't really "rest in peace" knowing full well I have tons of work waiting for me to be done by this week. i think i noe exactly wad kind of worker i will be in the future. a workaholic. heh.

sheesh. antibiotics on mon set me back by a whopping $55 coz apparently the infection went 2 my lympnodes n i've got a swelling there. heh. i can't really speak much now for prolonged periods of time which is sorta adding to my frustration. Coz i haf quite alot of pple 2 interview n had 2 settle for interview thru msn/email which is bad. really bad. jeez. i dunno how im gg 2 get bk 2 work tmr n be able 2 talk. but God help me.

everyone is going on holidays or haf returned frm holidays. sigh. lucky them. im hoping i'll get 2 mk a trip up north to the Land of Smiles b4 my hols end n shopshopshop. taupok went 2 aussie, tiffy japan, luan hongkong, jay bangkok sn, tiffy bangkok again, R, WT n the rest 2 cambodia again, melody aussie 2 c her sis, jac n watson paris + london, shar maybe batam w her family. bahhhhhh. this is getting boring. i actually do wanna go on the cambodia trip this time round again but I think its quite impossible 2 tk 1 week leave. not a very nice thing 2 do since i didnt mention earlier that i might be taking off. oh wellx. it's okay. i shall just be contented with where I am now.

just let me get through this week.

2005-05-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

figuring it out

1. thank God for the opportunity 2 b able to mk a stance nationally. my debut! thank God! :) okay peeps, enuff abt the unglam pic already. i've got lazy eyes in case ya all didnt alrdy noe. haha.

2. currently down with a badbadbad throat inflammation. trying 2 self-medicate desperately bt er..let's just see hw tt works out. can barely talk. pray tt i'll get well! cant rilly afford 2 tk MC nxt wk.

3. Wala's on fri was gr8. it made me realise tt i missed hafing tt kinda female bonding n the benefits tt come w singlehood. As usual, EIC was great but a pity i cldnt stay longer.

4. Coach Carter is niiiiiiiiiiice. u guys shld go catch it. havent had such meaningful shows in a long time. it made me tink abt hw unfortunate the African-Americans r in the West. hw marginalised they r since young. n hw the entire system tt they grow up wif just puts them on the road to failure. it's sad.

5. i loooooooooooooooooooove the weekend. please dun end. 'nuff said.

2005-05-04T23:35:00.000+08:00

the elusive byline

it was a slow day in the morn and early afternoon. suddenly everything started piling up. sheesh. and culminated in what? 9pm n still in office. wow wee. haha. sumone asked me if i get paid OT. seriously, i dunno. but it doesnt really matter. someone also told me if you divide the number of hours i work its abt $5 an hr. but seriously, it doesnt really matter. so what matters?
well, right now : getting a photo byline. that's what. as long as all my efforts don't fall to naught. that's what matters.

hopes were high. but due to the fact tt i cant even master that stewpig software n i was practically rambling. heh. im worried to what will happen tmr. oh wellx. i'm leaving it to God. these past few days haf been hard. thus my MSN nick.

find rest my soul, in Christ alone.
know His power, in quietness and trust.
when the oceans rise and thunders roar,
i will be still, know you are God.

i guess there's really no point wallowing in self-pity or letting urself be overwhelmed. just take 1 step at a time, trust God, know He is God and that is He is capable of so much and to just laugh it off. time to count my blessings instead of tick complaints off my fingers one by one.

looking forward to fri nite girls! the weekend is my new best friend. haha. all the best for the rest of ur papers dearies.

2005-04-30T23:26:00.000+08:00

hot and bothered.

gosh, the heat must be really getting to me. im getting cranky all over again.

so, i've started work. spent almost the whole of 1st day learning the software tt my co. uses to manage its workflow n their so-called intranet thingamagig too. on the 2nd day, we were pretty much left to do our own thang w nt much guidance n tt aint exactly good. k coz im in the news desk w the Saturday team n so we're basically developing on the ideas we haf pitched for the issues we want covered. frankly speaking, im a little disappointed tt i didnt get posted to a daily section like Home or Life. doesnt help tt i noe tons of interns frm those sections. on da 1st day, we had lunch wif 2scholars who were wif the crime beat and a certain someone whom im like woah, impressed by (dean's list, daily bylines, heh.) and hearing abt their daily police media conferences n stuff made me feel like tt was what i wanted to do. doesnt help as well tt within close proximity of my desk is the Life/Urban pple. hearing them mk those fonecalls "i would like to feature ur shoes for the nxt issue" is like wooooooah. okie. i wish i was doing that instead. n better still, someone frm Life told me on the 1st day about her experience gg 4 the SYLVESTER SIM press conference. i was like "whhhhhhat? u went for what?" kaoz. lucky girl. bt she's really nice. contrary to all those stupid 102 videos we watched on the newsroom culture, there really aint a back-stabbing culture tt exists. everyone tries 2 b helpful (so far at least) and tho there r tons of deadlines, it aint as crazy as i thot it wld be.

initially i applied wifout any expectation of whre i wanted 2 be posted to. in fact, i didnt even tink i wld get it but really, thru God's grace i did. n getting posted to features is like really really challenging. evryone kps saying its a privilege for an intern 2 be doing features instead of news reporting but its tough so far n im nt gg 2 deny it. dere's tons of research to be done n singaporeans dun wanna be featured in the newspapers generally. n plus when u tell them their pictures mite be in, tts like gg 2 put them off x 100. ive xperienced tt in chron like tons of times lar. speaking of which, the whole entire newsroom is littered wif chron pple - yr3s doing PI, the yr2 editors and me, the only yr 1. sigh. working wif all these high-flyers really mks me feel so small n inexperienced. n we're not given much help as well. just left to go develop our own story. heh. but guess what, i met my "idol" the other day in the newsroom. haha. no lar. its silly how she became my "idol". its juz coz i knew her frm chron n then started seeing her bylines in the papers for the whole entire yr coz of her PI n then recently saw her at Go Far again. its silly. but yar. she's another 1 of those tt i go like woahhh, about lar.

most ironic part : work is so busy tt i dun even haf time 2 read the papers whn it comes out.

haha. of coz i noe wads coming out the nxt day. just tt there's just 2 much news evrywhre n its info. overload until it fades into a blur. like which cty's PM goes whre for what and which minister says what until u're like whhhhhhhhhhat. confused.

sigh. i dunno how to separate work frm leisure. coz there's so much research n finding of pple 2 b done. any free time i haf even on the wkends, i start tinking abt work. n im pressured by pple who i noe ARE WORKING their butts off for their stories even on wkends. the chao-onz pple.

but well, its just gg 2 be a season of relying on God for strength n wisdom.

well thank God for the long wkend. i was prepared to work on May 1st alrdy bt was so glad whn my editor said "see u on tues" haha. yipeee. but well, its been quite a sian wkend. sigh. R is really really sick. he had to go to AH yest to A&E even coz it was a bad case of food poisoning. n coz of tt, he's been really weak n all. poor thing.

was so tired thruout the whole of today for i dunno what reason even tho i slept quite alot yest. heh. was just so lethargic. if u noe me, u'll noe hw i absolutely am not a stay-home kinda person. im the sorta person who nds 2 be out n about esp when its the wkend or a LONG wkend in question. sigh. looks like i won't b able 2 do any of it this wkend.

n ive been feeling so withdrawn n suppressed lately. like i cant even find pple who r willing 2 listen 2 me rant or who can empathise wif what im feeling now. the pple who i wanna pour my heart out to haf not been ard, whether it be on msn, sms, in person wadeva. its like as if i got so much 2 say but no one 2 say it to. n i realised tt pple who i thought knew me well n cld read my mind actually don't and can't. sigh. i hope for someone to understand but actually no one really does. onli a handful of pple do.

n i realised ive gt a bad habit of waiting for pple 2 msg me on MSN. such tt whn i come on n no one msgs me, i feel as if no 1 wans 2 tok 2 me even tho i noe tts a bad assumption which may be inaccurate. i guess tts kinda contributing to wadeva im feeling now. bt yea, i guess i gotta break tt habit. constantly reminding myself tt its a 2 way ting.

the good thing about this wkend? mtg up w the crez girls on fri nite. wonderful hearing u guys tok even in tt short span of time. looking forward to wala's nxt wk for jlo's bdae. IF, it materialises. haha...pls say it will peeps. :)

sigh. ive ranted enuff today. i bet few pple even read this entry until here. haha. laterz.

n when i need you, you're almost here.

2005-04-30T01:28:00.000+08:00

work is addictive. and never-ending.

'nuff said.

update ltr. too tired. yawns.

long wkend. the best thing 2 b happy about at this moment.

walked past indochine 2dae w the live band. sigh.

nite.

2005-04-27T18:15:00.000+08:00

2005-04-26T23:50:00.000+08:00

more than i cld ever wish for...

awhile back tis morn aft gg 4 the interview n realising tt like the whole crew of yr 2 chron pple were there 4 their interviews too, i immediately thot of wad my blog title will be 2nite - "Lord pls grant me this internship". after walking thru the newsroom today n hearing all the stories, i cldnt be more excited at the prospect of working IN the newsroom. n after hafing gone so far, hafing gone thru elimination round 1 n round 2, n nt getting it, tt wld be disappointing. yet at the same time, i knew that it was all in God's plan and i wld accept whatever the outcome coz i know His plan is good even when it may nt seem so to me.

BUT, God has been so good n generous. He gave me more than i cld ever imagine. Hours later, i was told tt i gt the internship!!! n i start work on thurs. heh. tts the ting. im nw 1 step closer to my dream of being a journalist, as jay says. yet the task ahead seems daunting. they say wkends mite be burnt, ur story will get thrown back 2 u as many times as needed and u cant go home until the supervisor is satisfied. tt cld mean 11pm, 1am etc. heh. the only ting gd abt this is tt they haf free transport hm after 11pm. but STILL. its like wow. im rather apprehensive as to whether i can tk on this challenge. after all, im onli yr 1 man. gimme a break. haha. R says hw fast my worries transfer frm 1 topic to another. how true. im a worrywart. but well, since God gave it to me, i can be rest assured tt im in good hands. :) He always gives me strength to go thru whatever trials that he presents to me. this aint gg 2 be any different. 1 more day of freeeedom till my 2nd home becomes toa payoh! haha.

and not only that, today was a great day. not so much coz of the food we ate or the things we did but becoz of what today symbolized. thank u for the great company today and over the yrs. thank u 4 the surprise n the sweet sweet video. truly, "something's telling me it might be you...all of my life."

C'est des magnifique deux annees.

2005-04-25T20:03:00.000+08:00

2005-04-25T18:40:00.000+08:00

you don't know me.

i love my life now. simply slack. no other better 2 words to describe it. sigh. but i feel kinda aimless and all this free time on my hands is not good. ya noe the saying goes, "an idle mind is the devil's workshop". how true. ya start tinking abt life, people, n i tink dis is exactly what owl is gg thru too. haha. ^5 babe.

so, i really hope i can get at least 1 of the internships tt i applied for. heh. gg for SPH interview tmr. gotta wake up super early. wish me luck. i really hope it turns out well. gg 2 apply for SEVENTEEN too, coz just found out they're looking 4 interns. and of coz all the other mags. too lar. sooo fun if i get it. yipeeeee. IF, big IF, if i get it.

then, there's the batam trip. of which i haf yet 2 confirm if i can go anot. sigh. i really hope evryting works out well n we all get 2 go in the end. if not my hols is really gg 2 be sooooooo boring. sigh.

guess what!!! i drove home frm holland on sat nite! yipeeeee. aiyoh, big thanks 2 the brave girl who actually let me drive her car. not even hers. her dad's. haha. gosh. so qiao. all the times i've driven since i've passed, its been both Ford cars and all at night. heh.

sigh. ya noe of late, im beginning to tink im quite materialistic. like, i kp wishing i had a car or tt i cld b driven ard n all the mindless shopping which only serves to fulfil my temporary desires. n im so spoilt tt i even complained when i took an SBS bus hm frm town the other day. i cannot believe it. someting R said sparked off this train of thought. its true. what a sad sorry state i haf let myself become. there's just so much more to life than the pursuit of material wealth and status.

i've been trying 2 convince others what i've grown to learn since my JC days : that results aint evryting, getting a big fat salary isnt evryting bt nt evryone understands where im coming from. pple say i underachieved at A levels ; they say i shld haf chosen law n its dumb of me to choose CS ; they laugh whn i sae im contemplating a job at SIA upon graduation to see the world for awhile b4 settling down in a proper job ; they say im settling for 2nd best. am i?

contrary to that, i do not feel that i haf or that i am settling for 2nd best. maybe my priorities haf changed. it's not so much abt getting a job that society deems as successful/powerful, if nt i wld haf chosen law. why can't i pursue the things that i like n the things tt i noe will mk me happy? why can't pple understand and accept me for the unique individual tt i am instead of seeing my life as a deviance from social norms? What society deems as normal may not be what i deem as normal. right now in my life, i know that i wanna do the things tt truly mk me happy not becoz society says it will mk me happy. its not just abt getting a masters or PHD. so what. i tink what i ultimately want is to build a happy family for myself in the years 2 come. sounds so "unambitious" rite. like why on earth am i getting a degree for rite if i juz wanna get married n start a family. heh. those r the joys i look forward to in my life. don't judge me for that. if you tink u know me, you don't know me.

its sad when u hear of pple who haf become jaded over the years. who can't see any purpose in life or in friendships n rships. its really sad. im glad tt my 2 yrs in JC did not turn me into such a person. even tho it was the worst 2 yrs of my life.

aniwae, enuff of sad stuff. as i said, my life now cldnt be better. in terms of being able to slack lar. bt in a way, i kinda miss the times when i had sch. when i had things 2 do. life was much simpler then.

aiyoh i feel like a literary desert. i really miss reading other stuff besides newspapers. heh. that's why i tink im most prob gg 2 tk lit. nxt sem. reconnect w my inner soul. haha.

its my anni. tmr. wow. unbelievable. its been 2 years. :)

2005-04-23T01:53:00.000+08:00

wo zhi ai ni, you are my superstarrrrrrrrrr.

siao liao. who's ever heard of ktv-hangover. wahahhaa. okay. im mad. had such great fun wif the T5 peeps 2dae AGAIN as usual. :P love ya guys. muggers-turned-rockers/NKF mouthpieces/silly jumping children.

and guess what, *drumrolllllllll* i can finally run my fingers thru my hair n comb it wifout any bits of glue n what-nots in my hair!!! woohoo.went 4 a barely-there haircut 2day. its barely-there coz the cut is barely visible according 2 derrick n chang. haha. bt at least the pink streaks r GONE! im like quite sick of it alrdy. byebye pink streaks. hello authentic hair. :P

heh. was feeling quite down when i came back home 4 a whole host of reasons. bt im tking all of them in my stride. i can feel my bad mood dissipating away as i tink abt the ktv-experience again.

fen shou ba, wo men fen shou baaaa.

2005-04-22T02:15:00.000+08:00

Goodbye mugger-hood, Hello sweet taste of freedom.

im into my musical mood again. please let me wax lyrical.

Almost Here - Delta Goodrem + Bryan McFadden
Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you I'm close to tears
'cause you're only almost here.

Separate Lives - Phil Collins
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can't go on just holding on to time
Now that we're living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living
Separate lives

Someday I might find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living separate lives

The Distance - Evan & Jaron
I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm calling your name
But I can't take the distance

I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough

2005-04-20T00:00:00.000+08:00

hang in there girl [PHASE 2]

phase 3's tmr.

don't be forlorn. don't let one tear fall. don't stop trying.

2005-04-15T17:36:00.000+08:00

my long-awaited musings

since my bdae i haf been wanting to post smth bt due to my wonderful projects n applications 4 internships tt haf caused me to procrastinate studying till this wk, i havent had a chance to. its been 1 whole mad rush for this entire week. 3 papers back2back. 3 down, 3 more to go for nxt wk. n nxt wk r the theory-heavy papers. bahhhh. i miss my social life. i havent watched a movie for more than a week. argh. i tink im de-sensitized to not finishing my papers alrdy. heh. ever since last sem whre i freaked myself out by nt being able 2 finish 103. in the end it still turned out ok. i guess its arts exam all over again a la JC days. no way r u ever gg 2 finish writing all tt ya ever wanna sae (w the exception of french) esp since i write kinda slowly. been wanting 2 train myself up. bt this is seriously my best. too bad. today's paper was the most stupid paper since ive entered uni. being able 2 prepare evryting yet not being an open-bk n remembering evryting yet nt being able 2 write it all down thanks 2 time. wad exactly r they trying 2 test aniwaE? handwriting speed? okay. its over. bah. enuff of exams. cant wait 4 nxt wk whre i can parrrrrrrrrrrrtay. so many tings i wanna do. nails. hair. jb. shopping. presents.

speaking of which. gosh. i loveeeed my bday this yr. tho there were disappointments, it was overall still the best i've had. coz i've had the best pple who celebrated w me this yr. evryone i wanted 2 b there WAS there. n thank u guys 4 the best presents ever. had my fav flowers this bdae. n they r so lasting. its been a week n they still look so pretty!

and gosh, EIC. they took my breath away. yup, u r right. i enjoyed Wala Wala. tts whn i started loving U2's slow songs and "She's So High". aaaaaahh. wanna go back soon. i was bowled over by their rendition of "You To Me Are Everything" which i thot sounded better den the original. hah. technically impossible by yar.

u noe like when u actually noe tt u've matured. whn decisions r made w lots of rationalization n consequential thinking. u realise tt u cannot be as reckless as in the past. u try 2 b selfless in your actions. tts y it hurts whn u r called selfish whn u r trying nt to be.

u noe hw u grow up tinking friendships r never-ending. bt its just a myth i guess. ive learnt tt it can b broken.

2005-04-09T01:37:00.000+08:00

shoutouts :

churchies : thank u for ur presence on this special day. know all of u gt ur own schedules n stuff. thanks for being understanding n haha...thank u for all ur lovely gifts. :) its been my pleasure serving alongside w all of u guys for so many yrs and u all haf been my encouragement n my support thru everyting.

Crez dearies : yipeeee...so glad to have met up w u gals aft so long. as usual, we r our crazy selves. haha...love each n every one of you and u all r so precious to me! its been what...6 yrs of knowing each other? :) i love da pressie! someone else's bday coming up soon yar...hahaha. yuppers..movie aft exams yar?

CS peeps : ohmigosh!!! cant believe u all came. haha.thank u for coming despite the fact tt exams is like this wk. haha.sorry 4 the reminder. hope u guys had fun. will miss u guys in the hols. mt up often 4 chill-outs n shopping yar. can u believe it. we're going 2 be yr 2s soon. hahaha.

family : thank u mum 4 the hilton cheesecake. heh. u remembered tt i dun like cake CAKES. haha. thank u both u monkeys for being there. n for the sweetest note ever frm u mei. :)

dar : all these wld nv haf been possible wifout all ur surprise planning! its been my best bday ever. thank you. :)

In Her Head... sometimes you can't make it on your own // with or without you - U2. quando, quando, quando // home - Michael Buble. big // rain down - Planetshakers.

2005-04-03T00:23:00.000+08:00

avril

the month of birthdays n the anniversary....gosh..im gg 2 go broke this mth. haha. but, bientot j'ai vingt ans! yipeee. cant wait.

the fiesty punk babe who took my breath away today with her powerful vocals, amazing falsetto n sultry voice. i admire her for her talent. not many pple can play the acoustic guit, e guit, piano and write their own music. she's comparable to the likes of michelle branch n john meyer. so what if her voice aint the best. she's talented man. period. n she's got style. j'aime bien! however, i tink she nds more work on her stage presence. nt enuff warmth emanating frm her n nt enuff audience connection man. thank you for making it possible.

the month of exams...heh. it was never this way. exams + birthday never did come in a bundle. cant believe it'll be happening for the nxt 4 yrs. eeks. i tink i nd 2 get into the exam rigour soon. gambatte ne.

My Tribute To The Punk Princess

Was it something I did?/Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hanging/In a city so dead

Caught up so high/On such a breakable thread/

You were all the things I thought of you/And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted

And we were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it

And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know you were there/Thanks for acting like you cared

And making me feel like I was the only one/It's nice to know we had it all

Thanks for watching as I fall/And making me feel we were done

-My Happy Ending-

I'm giving up on everything/Because you messed me up

Don't know how much you/Never listened

That's just too bad

Because I'm moving on/I won't forget

You were the one that was wrong/I know I need to step up and be strong

Don't patronize me

Have you forgotten/Everything that I wanted

Do you forget it now/You never got it

Do you get it now

Gotta get away/There's no point in thinking about yesterday

It's too late now/It won't ever be the same

We're so different now

I know I wanna run away/I know I wanna run away

If only I could run away/Run away

I told you what I wanted/What I wanted

But I was forgotten/I won't be forgotten

Never again

-Forgotten-

Are you aware of what/You make me feel, baby

Right now I feel invisible to you/Like I'm not real

Didn't you feel me lock/My arms around you

Why'd you turn away?/Here's what I have to say

I was left to cry there/Waiting outside there

Grinning with a lost stare/That's when I decided...

Why should I care/Cause you weren't there

When I was scared/I was so alone

You need to listen/I'm startin to trip

I'm losing my grip/And I'm in this thing alone

Am I just some chick/You placed beside you

To take somebody's place/When you turn around

Can you recognize my face/You used to love me

You used to hug me/But that wasn't the case

Everything wasn't okay

Crying out loud/I'm crying out loud

Open your eyes/Open up wide

-Losing Grip-

I couldn't tell you/Why she felt that way

She felt it everyday/And I couldn't help her

I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?

Too many, too many problems

For where she belongs/Where she belongs

She wants to go home, and nobody's home

Where she lies, broken inside

There's no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes

Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find a reason why

You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind

Be strong, be strong now

Her feelings she hides/Her thoughts she can't find

She's losing her mind/She's fallen behind

She can't find her place/She's losing her faith

She's fallen from grace/She's all over the place

She wants to go home, and nobody's home

Where she lies, broken inside.

There's no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes

Broken inside.

-Nobody's Home-

2005-04-01T00:36:00.000+08:00

memory may be your worst enemy.

one sem. ago ard this time was when i decided to start a blog. after much nagging frm friends. i decided to conform n jump onboard the blogging bandwagon, even tho it had long departed n left me stranded behind running after it. bah. it was so near exams, n i gt hooked onto playing wif templates n being da perfectionist tt i am ; i must mk sure it looks presentable n to my liking b4 im totally satisfied w it n can go study. haha. silly rite. it was so near exams n i chided myself for spending so much time beautifying it n updating so frequently.

now one sem. later, nothing much has changed. i am once again chiding myself for drifting into unnecessary things and only to end up being distracted frm my exams once again. but what can i do? im really trying very hard alrdy 2 just push evryting aside n focus on the present. frustration. irritability. confusion. all this is just part n parcel of what im feeling now. how easy things can go back 2 square 1, just when you thought it was getting better.

well, God bless me. one more wk of school. one more report. one more presentation. one last cry.

2005-03-30T23:54:00.000+08:00

i hate these stupid feelings.

2005-03-29T23:34:00.000+08:00

never again

never again will i find a class in NTU that mks me grin even when im hafing the shittiest day ever. that actually makes me look forward 2 coming 2 sch, whose pple support me in my lowest moments and act crazy w me in my unglam moments. a class that makes me feel so comfy in my own skin n a class that inspires me. gossssssssssh. i love T5 n im gg 2 miss u guys so. its the end of yet another sem. i guess nxt sem. will be even worse coz we'll be split up even further. im so glad we're still quite close dis sem. despite the diff schedules n classes. can we haf a bbq again or hang out aft our last paper?!!?!?!? can't wait. joo's bdae last week. this nicenice collage aint done by me of coz.haha...courtesy of sharrrrron da hammie. i realise shar n i look alike in 1 of the pics. oh dear. the animal syndrome. wahaha.

never again will there be walks down indochine w Creed's "My Sacrifice" in the background.

never again will i mention topics that only bring disappointment n strife ie. cars being one of them. let's just say that you and i have different expectations n takes on that issue. speaking abt it will not help. nt becoz i dun wanna face up to reality.

never again will i haf to do another article for Chron!!! (disclaimer: yah right. for another 3 mths only lar) last issue for this sem. was out today! yipee.

never again will i think my problems r so big in the light of things tt r happening ard me. pple r dying. earthquakes r gg on as im doing my peer evaluation form (sheesh, the irony), pple r falling down onto MRT tracks (i can't get over it, i seriously dunno how it could have happened) and lots more. it just mks all my small tiny worries seem so minute in the light of it all, ya noe?

and very soon, never again will i haf to work in groups for another 3 mths as well........yipeeeee. haha. im sorry. i juz need some respite frm grp work. as if its not enuff. even french is making me go thru the torture. its not really any particular individuals but rather the whole notion of holding a group together n working 2gthr so intensely for the past 4 mths is driving me insane. dealing with non-living objects aka notes is easy. but dealing with pple is always difficult. and that's just the way it'll always be. so 1 more week, n im freeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

i dunno what else to say anymore. so yup. never again.

ohohoh wait...haha. got something 2 add.i was so frustrated on mon. evening even tho the day started out so well tt look what i bought in JP! a showcase of my paradoxical nature.trying to get well, yet trying to find some comfort in food. ehhh....ive been so guai okie. ive been abstaining frm all da good food. but im nt getting well. so toooo bad. new slogan : yi du gong du. cold drinks here i come!

2005-03-27T14:45:00.001+08:00

thank you Lord...:)

many things about tmr, i don't seem to understand. but i know who holds my future, and i know He holds my hand.

2005-03-27T00:42:00.000+08:00

im nt gg 2 write any sad sob stories abt my life anymore. coz i tink tt'll mk myself more depressed. like ya noe. 1 whole vicious cycle. call it self denial. or call it trying 2 be positive. but yep! :)

well...i dunno why my cough is nt getting better nor my throat. i've religiously been taking my med 3 times a day and abstaining frm all my fav foods! maybe its due to the fact tt i havent been getting enuff rest.hmm.haha.dunno lae. 1 of my medicine has finished alrdy and another 1 is finishing too. n im still nt well! sharks. nvm, im sure i'll get healed soon!

been hanging out at holland too much lately. feel like its my 2nd home. heh. haha...but its such a great plc 2 be. the high life. life in the fast lane. hot cocoa. dance of tea. window seat. bossa nova. people watch. comfy cushions. pretty things. yumyum.

compliments of hall 2's production 2dae @ dbs arts centre, i leave ya w this :

if equal attraction cannot be / let the more loving one be me.

2005-03-27T00:37:00.000+08:00

2005-03-24T13:42:00.000+08:00

im such a silly girl. ben nu hai.

and now i've only habits left to break....

-drugged, drowsy, desensitized-

2005-03-23T19:34:00.000+08:00

I Will Sing

went to see the doc today. too pain liao. pple say i always fall sick. haha, actually not true. i tink my immunity is much better nowadays compared to last time but yar, i guess, its still worse than the avrg person's. *cough* heh...cant believe my throat still hurts so bad after tking 1 round of medication. and ive been slpg my afternoons away for the past few days. bad bad. i got lotsa work i shld be doing. the med just made me totally zonked out this afternoon lar. aniwae, BIG thanks to the people who offered me sum form of medication in one way or another n for ur words of concern! *smiles*

well...long wkend coming up. yipee. act like army. heh. but yar...gt lotsa church stuff dis wkend n work 2 do by nxt wk too. derrick getting baptised dis sat!! WT too. so exciting. haha.

exams in less than a mth's time. sigh. i feel so unproductive n so unmotivated. was supposed 2 go pacific coffee to study today....but whre did i end up, clementi polyclinic. heh. no pac coffee for me. sob. i love da place. oh yes, essential brew at holland is super nice too. i like. :) u guys shld go visit 1 day. dun understand y chron din wanna cover tt plc. heh.

u noe it takes twice the amount of will n effort to do something u dun wanna do but u noe u have to do? heh. u cant always have what u want in life.

Lord you seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
Though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now, that it's hard for me to pray

Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans you have for me
But I will put my trust in you
Knowing that you died to set me free

But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start

But as you give the grace, With all that's in my heart

I will sing, I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honour you
Because your word is true
I will sing. - Don Moen

2005-03-19T00:43:00.000+08:00

He's my God, and...He is my refuge.

not been in a very sane mind for the past few days. my apologies to the pple around me for my lethargy, lack of chirpiness and silent demeanour. i miss the old gra too. tonite was good. even tho i felt it was rather "huh...." at sum parts like the e-guitarist who was like drama mama half the time plus the rest who were wearing dubious looking t-shirts and the crowd who seemed to be jumping for the wrong reasons. but hey, i was reminded not to be judging others and to just focus on worshipping. n tts what i did. n it was such a fruitful time of worship. God reminded me of so many wonderful truths n i was ministered to esp during the slow songs.

wellll.....gotta wake up early tmr. gt mtg b4 church. tra la la. n ive gotta pia work after tt! cant believe ive pushed everyting 2 the last minute. how smart can i be. heh. well...God bless me. haha.

recently, there has been much talk abt marriage proposals. heh. for sum reason. but i just realised tt its romantic if guys do the "Will You Marry Me" thing thru plycards, pple formations, fireworks, drawings, parachute blah but on top of that, i'd rather the person say it face to face using his MOUTH n tell me why exactly he wants to marry me. yep. i tink tts the most sincere n tts truly what i'd like to hear.

laterz!

2005-03-13T01:29:00.000+08:00

boyfriend vs. husband material

guys in this world fall under 2 broad categories. their characters r either fit to be boyfriends or husbands.

boyfriends r fun, flirty, temporal, almost fling-like. they are attractive at first sight, probably full of themselves, still enjoying their singlehood and checking out other girls etc.

husbands r selfless, dun enjoy partying, they mk u feel secure, look n plan for the future, may haf certain flaws (but those r definitely acceptable as a life partner) etc.

the one i haf now falls into the latter category. haha.

Hoobastank - "...and the reason is you."

2005-03-12T12:29:00.000+08:00

i'd rather be a car chick...

you know u're old when pple ard you no longer talk in terms of $10, $50 and $100 but talk in terms of $1000s, interest rates and whatnots.

at first it was okay. den they started to talk abt who's-who and what bike so-and-so has. and den i was bored to teeeeeeeeeeeeeears. the blurring of those random letters RK, R6, RXZ, blah has totally lost me amidst my struggle for some form of mainstream talk. ask me abt the latest education policy the govt implemented. ask me abt what are the in colours for clothes this season. or ask me abt the latest movies. ask me soon. or i'll continue to descend down the spiral of boredom. yawwwwwwwwns. its 1145pm...the clock is ticking away.

biker babe...oui, non?

je voudrais tu as une voiture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-12T02:21:00.000+08:00

-survived-

this week has been extremely hectic.but its thru God's grace tt i managed to pull thru it wif a smile on my face, joy in my heart and hope for each brand new day. :) truly, i wldnt be even online now coz i slept at like what, 3+ yest n went thru a presentation 2day, led pcgm and finally supper @ JB. wow. sumtimes i tink im superwoman. esp this whole week. but yea..God has been faithful and good. i REFUSE to do any work this weekend. i tink ive been overworked. haha.

trying 2 find a new skin for my blog. but cant seem to find a suitable 1.heh. *crosses fingers*

anw, how do people divorce their heart from their mind? i guess sum pple can juz do it so well.

my both feet r in complete agony. so much for trying to look good n presentable. rubbish.

i'll leave u wif a quote...:P

"Is LOVE a tender thing?

it is too Rough,

too Rude,

too Rowdy.

And it Pricks like a Thorn." - Shakespeare

2005-03-09T15:15:00.000+08:00

2005-03-06T22:59:00.000+08:00

sometimes when u r so immersed in work n play, u juz forget. and tts good. i hope i can whizz off to forgetful land forever.

i noe i haf so much 2 do this wk. so many projects to handle. so much responsibilities. but im trying 2 tk 1 thing at a time. to not let work get to me. n to still praise God n walk closely wif Him thru this time. I'm back on track again. Thank God. :)

n im gg 2 830 class tmr. *cheers for myself* haha.

2005-03-04T23:29:00.000+08:00

things that matter

ive come to realise that yar...encountering certain situations really make me happy n satisfied.

1. Getting to know those ive previously not known well or had a bad impression of
2. Investing in the lives of the younger ones n encouraging them
3. Worship

yar. those 3 for now. they make my world seem brighter n suddenly, everyting seems to make sense.

sumtimes i feel that i really cant hold out anymore, i juz want to stop fighting back all tt i feel, that my world is really so bleak esp recently, but then, God has been really really good n faithful. He hasn't given up on me. He's been there to provide that support, that hope, that joy. joy aint the same as happiness. happiness is conditional, based on circumstances. joy is eternal n unchanging despite of situations. it lifts u up such tt u'll never fall into complete despair n turn cynical n bitter.

responsibilities, responsibilities, responsibilities. why must one haf so many of them? wish i cld run away frm them sumtimes.

2005-03-04T01:13:00.000+08:00

i really dunno what to blog about anymore.
hmmm....dun tink i'll be blogging abt anything much for the nxt few days to come.

not been hafing enuff sleep lately. i tink i've been hafing 7hrs or even 6hrs+ for the past whole week. which explains y ive been getting cranky easily n by 6pm each day im totally tres fatiguee.

why r the projects never endddddddding. gosh. i'd rather be mugging. and i cant wait for the semester to be over...yay!! the end is in sight......jiayou everyone. 1 more month to go? yes/no? Oui/Non?

2005-03-01T21:26:00.000+08:00

ennuyeuse (ennui)

did you know that the word ennui has french roots? Ooooh. great revelation today when i happened to link these 2 words 2gthr. haha! cheap thrill.

okie...aniwae...hah. sch has been filled with a tremendous overwhelming sense of ennui. for me at least. i noe it aint normal. n it sux. i noe what i ought to do and should be done yet i cant seem to do it. why do i even bother. y must one be strong all the time?

2005-02-26T22:53:00.000+08:00

Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan "The Blower's Daughter"

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

* natalie portman is gorgeous. deep show. bt horrid scenes.

2005-02-25T23:35:00.000+08:00

aLL as it shouLd be...

went tuition today! *pats myself on my back*

i havent been eating well dis past few days since wed. kinda lost my appetite which is
a good thing once in a while. haha. but i tink im gaining it bk..boooohoooo. all tt flab. :P

things to note : treasure what i have. romance myself all over again. be mastered by nothing.

2005-02-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

chin up, smile and walk out the door dear.
be strong. We are overcomers.
no more je suis peine yar

i dun aim to please. sae what u want. think what u want.
so what if i have principles. at least i have them. hah.

oops...that sounds angsty. haha. oh well. i tink what i need is a shopping spree in JB, a movie or just a getaway to Madrid. goshhh..its such a gorgeous plc.

2005-02-19T14:21:00.000+08:00

left hanging...

i wld have never expected things to turn out this way yesterday. but i guess my intuition is 75% correct most of the time. im a girl. wad can i say.

i don't understand. i cannot fathom. im confused. im scared.

2005-02-18T01:00:00.000+08:00

today was what i was anticipating since tuesday. it turned out slightly even better den i imagined. but it ended in a way i never wld haf guessed it wld. well....i guess this is life. n i shld quit fooling myself.

wellwell..slacking tonite feels gooooooooooooood. i miss slacking. haha.

2005-02-16T23:47:00.000+08:00

hot and bothered. humid and sticky. irritated and moody. internet not working at HOME and in SCHOOL on my lappie. how bad can that be huh? and im so desperately dying 2 change my pics in the foto gallery bt i dun haf time!!! i havent even updated for a week. bah. i can't believe it myself. the day i dun haf time for blogging
means im really buried somewhere deep under piles and piles of work. and the day tt i keep quiet, have no time to answer your qns and basically just shut up means tt i could be irritated at
1. why you're not seeing that im stressed n tired out or
2. why you see it and ure not doing anything. brrrr.

day 1 : end sch at 1130 but proj until 7pm.
day 2 : end sch at 330pm but proj aft tt till indefinite time. interview at 730 for ANOTHER proj.
wad nonsense? tis' the life of a uni. student.

the break is in sight. thank God tt 107 is an individual proj. i need some RESPITE finally! i feel like some report-churning machine, almost comparable to J2's endless slogging of churning out essay after essay. u noe, i'd rather be studying for tests den doing projects. am i weird? perhaps, ive been a product of pure academic conditioning all my life.

can't wait for FRIDAY! hidden double entendre there...:P

P/S: Just took a glance at my social psy notes for lec. tmr. its absolutely disgusting. even tho i dun mind stats, i thot i cld rid myself of all semblance of numbers ever since i took my last maths C exam. hehhhhh.

2005-02-08T22:15:00.000+08:00

banana, oranges and 1 confused girl...

bonne annee chinois! gosh. my phrase in itself encapsulates my paradox. wahaha..
well....someone please tell me why i dun eat pig's heart or "spare parts", weird animal inerts or chilli for that matter. i know that im quite idiosyncratic when it comes to food but i really dun nd tt kind of response. i rilly dunno wads gg 2 happen nxt time. i will try my best but does anyone seek to understand me or accept me for who i really am?

it was kinda sian to see all the "xiao luo luo"s on the bus today WHEN i was going to sch. they had already ended sch lar. heh. NTU was soooo deserted. u shld haf seen it. and canteen A bus stop was so jam-packed till the top of the staircase. unbelievable. walking down the path to South with Running After You in the background. u'll only get this once. a year at least. CS was equally deserted. So was PC lab...i just wanted 2 gt da article over n done with. heh. tok abt the lack of inspiration and writer's block. i hate those days. actually u noe wad...i've come to realise that i dun really like writing news stories. they r too structured n rigid n kinda boring. i always thot tt it wld be easy peasy n stuff. but nw i realised tt true, tho they may be easier to write den opinion pieces or features, the style is so incredibly stifling tt i cant imagine churning out a similar style everyday nxt time for the rest of my life. nw i understand why we studied abt news routines in 102. i was tinking...hw bad can an inverted pyramid routine be? Nw i really understand. heh.

n i've come to realise that ya..prob i dun haf the servant's heart or smth. shuo hao ting is that. shuo nan ting is that im selfish. i put myself above others. n knowing tt irritates me. it mks me even more confused abt who i really am and who i inspire to be. i guess im still finding myself. im still searching. but i noe tt im a wild child at heart. i like to have fun. sometimes just TOO MUCH fun. but seriously, i dunno y i always hafta b caught in such situations. i wonder whether the problem lies with the current system/org. that im part of or whether it lies with me. i wonder whether it has become too legalised, too insensitive, too unfeeling, too rigid instead of being full of love, acceptance, sensitivity and support. Well, i think it may jolly well be both.

tmr is chu yi...cant wait for the yummy yummy goodies and the red packets of coz. but i miss my granny. tink gg 2 visit her grave tmr. i havent actually seen the completed version. so there.

sigh.so much work to do by nxt week. simply disgusting. it seems that this CNY is just a whole hoax to dump us with more work. i haf a sneaky feeling tt my wkend is gg 2 be burnt. hehhhhhhhhhhhh...........happy holidays? holidays. smolidays. u've been deceived. Fact or Fiction. it never existed. cynical cynical cynical me. *knocks head*

2005-02-06T23:18:00.000+08:00

Ladies-in-waiting

the kind of things women do to themselves. the kind of torture they put themselves through. looking at the number of girls/women lined up to do this today, made me think. now why do we put ourselves through such ordeals? but guess wad...im in love wif my new brows...wahaha. so im one of those women!

i feel so tai-tai-ish. just lack my mani n pedi b4 i retire n become a full time housewife. bleah. feel so pampered. grooming grooming grooming. a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. :)

it sux to haf a full-day sch tmr esp during CNY wk. nt to mention sch until 4pm on chu xi. argh. wad r THEY thinking seriously? just becoz u r a font by urself and can change sizes doesnt give u the authority to put us in such agony. heh.

my nose is not letting me rest on CNY. sob. tink i'll hafta check in wif the doc very soon....meanwhile.all u peeps, tkcare n dun indulge too much lest u want a sore throat, a runny nose and prosperity building ard ur tumtum. :P

2005-02-06T00:30:00.000+08:00

self-indulgence today man. went to chinatown in hope of soaking up some CNY atmosphere dis yr. anddddddddddd......pampered myself wif a bag, a watch n earrings?!? oh mannnnn. so much for saving. heh.
n im gg shopping tmr wif da gals. uh-oh.

today's the day i've been waiting for since last week. coz i told myself tt if i get thru dis wk..things wld be so much better n things wld look so much better. having 2 rush 1 chron feature n 1 chron article all in dis wk is no joke. mad rush dis issue coz of the early production date. heh. thank God i've finished it! sumtimes i wonder if im gg 2 enjoy doing this everyday for my life whn i graduate in the future. tts whre my dreams of flying hits me again n i dream of SIA n skies yonder...:P wahaha. rubbish.

my tuitee cancelled on me last min. heh. so its minus $50 to wad i was xpecting 2 get out of tuition dis mth. sharks. y must he fall sick today, of all days? i was so ready to go tutor him lar. heh.

okie........nuff for nw. haf 2 slp. au revoir.

2005-02-05T01:14:00.000+08:00

out of randomness

i've become this person that i don't even recognise and know. je ne connais pas. this sem has streeeeeeeeeeetched me. from the syllabus, lecturers, TUTORS, people, hall, etc. it has stretched my patience and love for people that i never thought i would have problems loving. so many times i wanna just do what everyone does...show my displeasure and wrath and just "give it to you" but no, i gotta be slow to anger n just ren. try very hard not to judge and to love unconditionally. it takes quite alot to piss me off coz generally i'll only be midly irritated n forget it easily. so if you really managed to do so, please pat urself on the back.

but i guess its me as well. im not in a very gd state to take nonsense frm situations. putting it simply, im juz fragile right now. but you know what. im glad i'm moving back home. coz that's where i belong. and that's where my soul can find rest and comfort. there's where my physical body can find ample sleep as well.

thursdays and fridays are always the worst. they r the most lonely. most reflective. most vulnerable. for some reason or another, this sem is so much harder to swallow than the first. i juz hope it gets by quickly.

well...if u dun wanna open up. i cant force u. but i think as for now, im leaving you on your own. i tried. i consider myself to have failed. it's your life. you make ur own choices. you call the shots. i just wish you had never strayed away. you're so far that i find it hard to reach you anymore. im sorry im not like your friend who is so brash, who is so bold. in my own way, i've tried to peel you open. but you just wouldn't budge. good luck with your life. you will be in my prayers.

the things that have happened of late made me think of my granny. i miss her so much. thinking back of how last yr she was still ard during chinese new year n we were still chatting over pineapple tarts and spring rolls. how i miss her. in my mind i regret that i didn't spend more time with her during the hospitalization prd. why did i want to hold on to my job so much? it was just a job. dun go dun go lar. kenna sacked den sacked lar. y did i haf to insist on going. n now...its true...my mum was right. i regret it. i miss her so much. whenever i hear cantonese, i think of her. whenever i think of drama serials, i think of her. whenever i think of peeling prawns, i think of her. whenever i think of chinese spelling and colouring books, i think of her. whenever i look at my 3rd and last drawer of my wardrobe, i think of her. and i know that whatever christian wake i go to in the future will be a constant reminder of how she left us. again, the brevity of life is so real. i think its even more real den the tsunami. my only comfort is that she's in a place where there's no suffering and a place where she's happy, back with her creator again. i'll see you one day again grandma.

so girl, be strong. because i know how you feel. Life must go on and you must be strong for her, and for your family. *hugs* meanwhile, u know u'll always have us. don't take this alone. because we are here to be ur listening ears ok?

*disclaimer : i may seem like im frustrated, stressed, unhappy but just noe tt im fine and I'm not in despair or anything coz I have hope and I have faith! :)

2005-02-02T23:19:00.000+08:00

okay..my flu aka sinus aka wadeva has been ard for more than a wk tt its starting to not be FUNNY. i starting to wonder how serious it could be. heh. its making me feel real lethargic evryday. gosh. i wonder if i shld seek sum medical help. hahaha....Linuuuuuuuus.....here i come again. bleah. sheesh. i dun wanna spend my chinese new yr lydat.

just finished my draft for my tech article so im happy.one load off.yipee.bt its rather crappy so hafta edit like dunno how many more times b4 submitting.heh. yawns. tired.

heh.typing on my blog makes me think of my 105 interview qns. coz im doing a research proj on blogging too. well well well. C'est Tout.

2005-01-31T23:01:00.000+08:00

last weekend was the best i had so far. maybe its coz of the realisation tt i no longer haf to be tied down by Pulau NTU. it was the best coz i was able to spend it wif the pple tt i love n the pple who really matter to me. getting to interact wif my girls n the younger girls made me realise tt yar...tt is whre my priorities lie. getting to invest in their lives gives me much joy n tt is the VERY reason y i chose to become a pcgm leader in da first place. although my left arm hurts like nobody's business coz of the tug-o-war, i still enjoyed myself.

and spending time wif my family made me realise tt yar...really...nothing beats home. dis wkend seemed longer den usual n i was home for a greater amt of time. can u believe it, i actually had the motivation to wash my clothes. haha. yar...n seeing the care my mum showered upon me-coz i had flu the whole wkend- really warmed my heart. n gg sentosa wif my worship team n doing vocals for service...all these reminded me whre my priorities lie. staying in hall is not necessarily a bad thing. it really depends wad ur priorities are in uni. mine revolves ard dover. my home, my friends, my church.

interviewing pple 2day to elicit responses wasnt an easy task but it was certainly quite fun. this being the 2nd time, it unveiled a side of me tt even i wasn't aware of. it showed me tt yar...truly I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

would you believe me if i said,

that God can make miracles happen today?

would you believe me if i said,

that you don't need to wait for the answers before you step out in faith?

would you believe me if i said,

that nothing is ever impossible for God?

And if I had wings I would fly, coz all that I need, You are.

And if the world caved in ard me, to You i'd still hold on.

French dictation tmr. Je comprends un pen francais. How?

J'aime mon petit ami. Thank you for being there through everything. Yup..gotta mug now. I'm taking life one baby step at a time.

On a side note, my darling partners-in-crime : sharon n chitty chit...missed ur presence in sch 2day. Hope u two r feeling better. *huggies*

2005-01-29T01:00:00.000+08:00

the horrible flu n the mosquitoes haf been relentlessly attacking me for the past week every nite. n sum pple ask me to go online but in the end oso keep going offline for no reason. heh.

im just walking around in a zombied daze. my life seems to be defined by my endless nokia reminders on things i need to do, places i have to be. why can't people just leave me alone n give me time n space to do my own thing. n stop asking me abt my life. if i want to tell u, i'd tell you. i just need time n opportunities. just give me some respite all you things, places, events, people.

i wanna get my life back. my pre-hall life.

2005-01-27T19:12:00.000+08:00

disrupted.
disgruntled.
dismayed.
discouraged.
disorientated.
dismal.
disappointed.
dislocated.
dysfunctional.

BUT not destroyed.

i should really start studying. yawns.

2005-01-25T16:11:00.000+08:00

yay. cs111- 1 down, 1 more to go. y does it seem tt the projects r nv ending..i need a double, no, triple dose of patience to deal with situations and people. heh. havent since 107 im wary abt using my commas. i still cant really get it. heh. so many rules to remm just for punctuation.

and, ive got another MAJOR decision to make. to stay or to leave? my bed at home never felt so good. oh please, every single thing about my room now is good lar. i miss it.

2005-01-18T01:49:00.000+08:00

after losing my wallet today, knowing tt it will cost me at least $300+ to replace all the lost documents in it and experiencing a recent spate of disappointing moments, i've only one thing to say to myself today :

"Consider it pure joy, my sister, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

AND

"the joy of the LORD is my strength" Nehemiah 8:10

i believe God impressed upon me this 2 verses to remind me (as weeteck oft says "to praise God in spite of all circumstances" ) that He is in control and that He still extends His loving arms to me. Lord, I need you.

2005-01-16T00:21:00.000+08:00

im perturbed. absolutely flabbergasted at my latest hp bill tt just arrived. dang. i regret being "hasty" abt changing to singtel n changing my hp no. it's in inverted commas coz i felt i wasnt being hasty at tt time when i made tt decision. i actually thoroughly went thru evry fone plan available n did all my calculations to see which one was the best.

now im irritated. coz my singtel bill has far overshot ANY of my prev starhub bills.heh. n im even more irked when tootpid singtel is not reflecting the airtime charges clearly like how many of the 100 free outgoing min did i use or hw many hrs of incoming i haf. they just grouped it under offpeak n peak for both categories. tts just being sneaky. hmph.

AND, this wkend has just not been good for me at all. its been emotionally n physically draining. i felt like i havent gotten enuff rest and viola, the wkend is coming 2 an end. sheesh. u feel like ur wkend has shrunk for sum reason whn u move into hall. and evryting just piles up lar huh.

i cant believe after so long u still dunno how i feel or how i express myself at times. if you had just LISTENED without any preconceived ideas, u would haf realised that i really wanted to buy it and YES, it was THAT BAD. u didnt. and i just cannot stand it when u walk away on your own. stop leaving me behind ok. n if u really wanted 2 mk it up to me, u would have gone back 2 buy it without me knowing aka getting it as a gift for me? But no...that'll never happen. coz in ur mind u cannot fathom the thought of spending THAT money. not even on me. and guess what. when im REALLY upset i dun whine. i just keep quiet, put on a fascade n sulk deep inside.

2005-01-15T00:18:00.000+08:00

i was going to blog about how the feeling of stepping onto my parquet flooring, cuddling my white little furball Bounty, hafing a bath at the optimum temp. n how coming back home just feeeeeels so good. but no. i'm not going to. i've changed my tune.

right now i feel like im in middle earth. not liking either side one bit. the grass is always greener on the other side. y cldnt the welcoming words be of more warmth instead of it being cutting? now i feel like I neither want to be here nor there. So where can I be? Floating in non-existence? Sandwiched btw the walls of bitterness and loneliness. it's times like these tt affirm the decision i have made. but when i go back there, i start to regret again. wad on earth is this man. please bring me to a point of compromise someone.

if u can fathom my thoughts now, you must be either smart, really smart or God.

2005-01-14T18:52:00.000+08:00

it's times like these tt i wonder if i shld haf chosen peers over passion n convenience.heh.i wanted social psy coz i thot of how i enjoy venturing into the mental psyche of pple n making my own theories abt why people act the way they do or think the way they do. bt i miss the people in pol studies. i feel so overwhelmed by the foreign-ness of my lecture esp my tutorial. n den i regret choosing the french class tt fits my schedule. i shld haf rescheduled my french so i cld be wif the T5 peeps in the earlier 115 tutorial. sianx. in da end i've got a pretty gd timetable but so wad if i cant enjoy it wif people i love? sigh. it feels like im starting Yr 1 sem 1 all over again whre i hardly noe any1. i noe i will survive wif God's guiding n strength but i just miss the gals who were such a big part of my NTU life in the last sem. oh wellx.

this sem is just ultimate sian. i miss 102,103 n 108. at least it challenged me mentally. there's an immense sense of lethargy n ennui. in my life tt is. not much stuff to look forward to now cept CNY n Vday n the Recess. haha..can u believe it. im already tinking abt the recess when the projects n assignments havent even started. bleah. AND, im so not used to sacrificing my free time for projects lar. i miss the times in dec. the major slacking. the late nights on MSN. the shopping. the fact that i BOTHERED to look good whn going out. heh. i cant rilly b bothered nw coz its just school. oh wellx.

sumtink happened just nw tt made me realise i miss my family alot esp my sis n bro even tho its onli been a week. i am quite certain now tt hall life is not for me. even tho i aint a very home-ly person, the inconvenience of staying in hall outweighs the conveniences in my opinion. the rushing bk on sunday nites n the packing n unpacking of clothes every weekend. n da fact tt i dun haf my full wardrobe wif me irritates me coz im so restricted. n i just dun like being away frm my family n my comfy comfy room n house. becoz i already go out so often normally, the weekday nites r the onli times i get 2 b at home wif my family. but now tt im staying in hall, tt has become non-existent as well. just dun really like it. i dun like to be cut off frm them.

tuition has started. 2 hr every sat is a complete waste of my time if someone doesnt decide to put in the effort he needs to pass his O levels. heh. let's just pray he does.

c'est la vie.

2005-01-11T01:52:00.000+08:00

soLitude...

yes...dis is how i've been feeling for the past 2 nites. alone. wif my faithful laptop, my comforting music, my ever lively MSN n a double room which i've got ALL to myself ( so tt effectively translates to a single room...haha). im not really complaining coz its really quite a luxury being alone at times n im getting all the privacy i want. which is really good. maybe coz i grew up hafing my own room all along so its kinda weird 2 be sharing it wif sumone at dis pt of time. so im quite glad when i haf the rm 2 myself. but aniwae, thank God my roomie is mish n not sum1 else. oh wellx. i believe God put me here for a reason and i pray that His plan will come to pass.

i've more or less settled in here tho my past 2 nites havent exactly been good. my pillow is way toooo fat. heh. n i keep waking up thruout the nite for sum reason or another. im glad i've brought over most of the stuff i wanted 2 bring n ya...am quite comfy here alrdy. thank God for pple like the gals who remind me not to lose track of the reason y im in hall for. its so easy to be distracted by stuff n 2 just fight back but ya...that's not always the best thing to do. so im just going to let go n let God.

sch has been rather sian. i really really miss T5. sigh. i miss da openness, the crazy, the environment whre we cld just say evrything n anything wifout the fear of being judged. n i miss the lecturers too. but yes, french has been by far the lesson i look forward to the most. haha....becoz its the most relaxing tho challenging. heh. isnt tt paradoxical? oops, see, dere i go again.

2005-01-05T16:56:00.000+08:00

day 3 of the equivalent to wk 0 in NUS. day 3 n im tired. not frm classes. well..let's just sae ive not been getting my 8 hrs of sleep or even 7 for that matter. if u noe me well, u'd noe tt sleep matters a whole lot to me. bahhh. even during ALL exams i'd sleep for at least 7 hrs. *sigh* nt enuff slp + tired frm moving in is no joke. gosh. im practically moving my whole house over to hall lar. heh. so much to settle. i tink im juz either spoilt or i like to be ying you jing you lar. i dun wan to find myself short of anything when i've moved to hall. n i wanna be comfy living there. yesterday was spring cleaning. gosh. the toilet was errrr...undescribable, shockingly n irritatingly dirty, considering the fact that 4 pple r sharing the toilet. i cant wait till ive settled down in hall....n i cant wait for fri nite whre da gals r coming 2 stay over. we're going 2 haf a blast! wheeeeeee...........

but till then...its cleaning up n more cleaning up. packing n more packing. unpacking n more unpacking. fatigue n more fatigure. God help me.

2005-01-01T16:28:00.000+08:00

All We Like Sheep - Don Moen

all we like sheep have gone astray
each of us turning our own separate way
we all have sinned and fallen short of Your glory
but Your glory is what we desire to see
and in Your presence is where we long to be

oh Lord, show us your mercy and grace
take us to Your holy place
forgive our sin and heal our land
we long to be in Your presence once again.

Lord, you know my most intimate thoughts. from the moment I wake up till the moment I rest my head on the pillow, you know how I feel, I think and I thank you for that. I commit this new year into your hands. Forgive me if i've done things in the past yr that have made you sad and angry. I pray that in the coming year, I will continue to walk intimately with you, be accountable to you and to not let situations discourage me or pull me away frm you. Thank you for being there. For being my Father, my Saviour, my best friend, my most faithful listener and my comfort through rough patches. :)

In Jesus Name, Amen.

2004-12-31T18:26:00.000+08:00

break away

hall 2 here i come. i'm going 2 miss my family, my church, my dar and everything abt dover. no more QT on the MRT. no more rushing out of my house to catch 196 and 74. no more 179 at boon lay. if u're feeling charitable, do call/sms me if you wanna visit me. haha. yes, i do hope it all turns out well. i noe dis is gg 2 be a season of relying on God, spending more time wif Him and learning how to be independent. goodbye 2004, hello 2005.

i'll spread my wings n i'll learn how to fly
though its not easy to tell you goodbye
i'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
and break away

out of the darkness and into the sky
but i won't forget all the ones that i love
i gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
and break away

2004-12-30T02:11:00.000+08:00

breviTy of LifE

looks like I wun be able to complete my special feature on my "FIRSTs" in 2004 on my blog by the end of this year. Haha. Its okay, nice try anyway gra. *pats myself on da back* oh well. Got other impt tings to tok abt now.

Well, first things first. The Asian Tsunami Crisis. The numbers have become more n more of a statistic but to me it means much more than that. It tells of God's gracious n abundant blessing upon our country and how we have been so blessed to be protected from such devastation while all our Asian neighbours r reeling frm the shock that has emanated frm the disaster. I really see God's hand in this situation and tho many pple can say we are geographically protected by land masses yadda yadda, I know that God's hedge of protection is on Singapore even thru the SARS period, the bird flu and this catastrophe. Personally, God has even worked more miraculously in my life. Some of us from church were actually planning a trip to Phuket or sum beachy place this December which never did materialize and looking back, it was really a blessing in disguise. While planning for it, we just didn't have the peace to go this time round and so we scraped the plan all together. Who would have known that we were spared from this disaster? Thank you Lord.

after PCGM tonite, quite a number of things struck me and inspired me to blog abt it. People may ask : so if God really exists and is present, why did He allow all this suffering to happen? This is just like asking why there are sick people around when there are doctors that exist in this world. There are doctors ard but the CHOICE lies with the sick people whether they wanna see the doctor and accept treatment. If they don't, then how can they be healed? Similarly, if we reject God n resist Him, we are hurting Him and judgement n the End Times seem to be drawing nearer. The focus of this crisis is not so much whether the 50,000 people who died are going to hell or heaven. But the onus (as tiffy said) lies upon us. What is our response with regards to those around us who have been spared by this disaster but have not heard the gospel? Life is so brief. Life is fleeting. Who knows when our life will be snuffed out? I bet the wheelchair-bound man did not know that he would drown to death in his own home when he was unable to escape the flood. I bet the sunbathers did not expect to be swept out to sea. I bet the people who died under the rubble of collapsed buildings did not know they would be crushed to death within a second.

God is saying to us today: "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:20) Will you receive the gift that Christ has to offer you, will you open the door of your heart to let Him reside in u? There is absolutely no-strings attached. Just His LOVE for you. The same LOVE that saw Him sending His son to die for us on the cross.

If you are waiting for lightning to strike you or a miracle to happen b4 u accept Christ, think again. The brevity of life is so REAL.

2004-12-28T02:20:00.000+08:00

recollections

my FIRST driving experience

i started tking my basic theory in jan, den decided tt i shld sign up wif BBDC n ta-da! the weekly trips to bukit gombak began in feb. n it intensified to become 3 times a week leading up to May whre i got my much-coveted driving license! at least to me that is. haha.

ya, at first the lessons were ez n fun. that was until i started learning how to do right turn. piangx. i got scolded by my instructor quite badly one lesson n tt made me feel like giving up. my morale was low n i was like upset wif myself. but it slowly got better and ya, i was always looking forward 2 evry lesson, always looking forward 2 getting those wheels out of the circuit n onto the road. gosh..i rilly miss those lessons esp since now i dun get to drive at all. the last few lessons were particularly sad for me coz i knew aft tt i wun gt the chance to drive liao. but yea...failed my advance theory the 1st time round but tt didnt deter me. tried again n finally signed up for my TP test date which was in May!! thank God i passed! yayyyyyy.....i really prayed quite hard that I would coz i didnt have the time nor the $$ to take another time. Had quite a few overseas trips to make in June and i already blew close to $1800 so far. sheesh. but yea....it really feels gd 2 haf a license. but den aft tt reality sinks in and like diao....why did i even bother to get it whn i haf no car 2 drive. but yeah...long term ya. tink long term. i prob wun haf time in uni. or when i start working 2 take driving lessons so ya...the 7mth break was a good time. n YES, i am definitely looking 4ward to getting a car nxt time whn i start working. yipeeEEe!

well...yes i cant believe i actually had the chance to drive A CAR aft i passed. it was a ford laser. auto car. ruth's dad's car. for a project whre we had to drive ard spore. thankful 4 da opportunity. super fun to drive. im swearing off manual cars frm now onwards. in fact, i tink my skills for driving a manual car is pretty rusty at dis pt of time. haha. aside frm the fact tt i almost hit a sports car, forgot to turn on my headlights at 1 pt of time, forgot to put down the handbrake b4 driving off n got lotsa pple horning at me while i was trying 2 parallel park at jam-packed geylang, i thought the first time tt i actually drove aft i passed was pretty successful! thank God for His hand of protection. i cld haf killed myself. da car. n elaine, sharon, ruth n rufus. haha. ok. sorry. not funny. its suppose 2 be sober. yar..so anyway...looking forward to the nxt time till i get my hands on a car......muahahaha...*hinthint*

nah...i shall b contented wif wad i haf now. which is, public transport n a Honda Shadow. :)

2004-12-28T02:14:00.000+08:00

the one n only time i got to drive in 2004.

2004-12-28T02:13:00.001+08:00

1 of da most precious cards in my wallet.haha.

2004-12-28T02:13:00.000+08:00

nostalgia...

2004-12-26T14:55:00.000+08:00

~ chRistMas tiMe! ~

haha..altho 2day is the 26th of dec. 1 day past christmas. christmas lasts for 12 days!! "on the 1st day of christmas my true love sent to me...a partridge in a pear tree, on the 2nd day of christmas my true love gave to me...2 turtledoves n a partridge in a pear tree..." haha..need i say more? aniwaex, christmas was quite a blast this year. hmm..spent the last few days leading up 2 christmas sewing the t-shirts 4 the babes in church. haha..but im so glad they like it. im happy seeing tt they r happy! :) domesticated stuff like sewing n cooking is definitely not my forte. neither is art n craft. so its kinda stressful for me evry yr whn i rack my brains 2 tink of wad 2 do for pple. but ya...im glad i always manage 2 churn out smth. i tink nxt yr i will do sumtink which is more related 2 my gifting. ie. music, writing? hmmmxxx.... *food for thought* oh well. aniwae...tho christmas was quite low-key this yr, not many church events + didnt go for like countdown or movie marathon cum pyjamas party like last yr, i enjoyed it just spending time wif frens, family, catching up wif pple n reflecting on God's love! :) it made me realise christmas needn't be a hyped up event with lotsa gifts + celebration. as the song goes, christmas isn't christmas till it happens in ur heart, somewhere deep inside you is where christmas really starts. so give ur heart 2 Jesus, u'll discover when you do, that its christmas really christmas for you...yups. :)

it was somewhat different dis yr coz normally will haf family lunch aft church on christmas day bt dis yr we had a christmas dinner on christmas eve instead aft candlelight service. so it felt different. yea. complete wif wine, ribs n chicken stuffing. it was quite good dis yr tt there wasnt THAT much shouting n quarreling at home during this period. compared 2 last yr's fiasco at least. so dis yr, christmas day was spent wif wen + les, WT + luan n rufus at seoul garden. the best part about it was me being able to pour my heart out to wendy n luan. i tink its been quite sum time since i've kept all that i felt inside of me. putting up a brave front most of the time. whn pple ask me if everyting's ok, i say its ok. i guess i havent had a good opportunity to share even wif my pcgm grp or wif wendy or the gals abt my struggles. n ya, it was a sort of catharsis 2 be able 2 get it out of my system n to let them know what is actually going on. previously, i only told rufus. maybe its the Chinese belief that jia chou bu ke wai yang. or maybe its just too complicated n just too much for me ever to tell it to others. tts y i dun. that coupled wif the lack of opportunities. so i was very glad tt wendy asked me. and today, i oso told jaime n luan at the christmas party hw i felt abt the ministry n stuff n it was a great release for me to be able to do so. i tink i've kept it far too long bottled inside of me. ya. hmmx. im glad tt im not bringing over any burdens to 2005. and tt i haf a grp of friends who care n who r willing 2 listen n share wif my troubles. thank u jaime, luan, tiffy n wendy for being dere 4 me. :)

gg 2 derrick's hse later for T5 gathering. oooh..exciting. its kinda bitter sweet. happy 2 meet them yet abit sad tt it may be the last time we can get to gather like this. of coz hopefully not lar. yeah. errr...cooking pasta later. hmmmm.. dot dot dot. let's just hope it turns out fine. hahaha. as i said, cooking is not my gift. but errr..let's just say im trying n mking the effort la. haha. abit pressured by luan n jay. the two great chefs. haha. n of coz my bro n sis who can like cook better than me. heh. how shameful. haha. oh wellx. im TRYING so gimme a break okie. haha. :P

well..since the yr is coming 2 a close, i guess in the coming week im gg 2 showcase some highlights of 2004. my many FIRSTs this year. so ya..look out 4 that. something to put a proper closure to 2004 and to look back in retrospect n grin at the wonderful memories!

2004-12-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

i tink the xperience today wif God was rather sweet. wif the song I Have A Maker in the background. if ya din come 2day, ya missed out on God's presence n anointing! :P

oh well...i guess i have reached a conclusion.yes, i am contradictory n paradoxical after all. i would like to believe not. but i have come to realised that i am. maybe that's just me. will u accept me 4 who i am n even be glad that i am this way, or will u make me change?

doesnt matter what I think. what do YOU think?

2004-12-16T01:13:00.000+08:00

hmm..still under the weather. dis morn it was getting better. but it took a sharp nosedive down to ground zero in the afternoon. prob coz of being in 3hrs+ in aircon 4 worship prac. i was cold even wif a jacket on? heh. quite bummed out whn u wan 2 sing along 2 the songs bt can't coz my nose kept running n had 2 keep sneezing or my throat was pain. but ya, i enjoyed myself n im glad i went! :)

den had pcgm at nite. i was still sniffing n wheezing away while the gang was horsing ard as usual n cracking ultimate lame jokes. bleah. but yeah, i love u guys! its always so fun being ard y'all. n we've gt 2 latest additions into our team - lance n eugene - n 1 guest of honour today...luannie. haha...the guest speak more den the members wan lae. diao. yes i admit its quite a bad habit, tt we love to tease luannie oh-so-often but ya, forgive us okie dear. we love u all the same. will try 2 kick the habit. *crosses fingers* oops...fingers remind me of sumtink else. hahahhaa...good joke lance on the fingers ting. tt really cracked me up man. lady's fingers? fish fingers? finger food? haha...aniwae, had a good time of sharing wif luan, tiffy n wen. its so good having pple u can b accountable to at this age esp when u r serving in ministry n it gets kinda lonely at the top sumtimes.

well...sorry if i looked absolutely sian or fierce today coz i really am quite tired after waking up at 7+ in the morn, battling against all flu symptoms n hafing such a long day. gg 2 sleep liao. pray 4 me! :)

2004-12-14T21:08:00.000+08:00

im so sad now. at first i was pissed, den irritated, now sad. i opened my room for them to watch TV coz i was kind. i was given instructions to lock my room so they could not come in to watch. but i didnt. and now what, I'm being called selfish? Just because I said i need some time to be by myself, some time to be in solitude and some privacy? Every night it is being invaded and infiltrated by them. And when I ask them to leave after a particular show, they leave reluctantly and talk behind my back. Why aren't they being rational? I am not asking for much. It's my room after all. What use is it when I can't even spend my nights doing stuff I want to do? Sometimes I can't even plan my worship set alone because they want to watch tv. What nonsense is this? When I say I need some time for myself, they say I ALWAYS need time for myself and they said I'm selfish. Where got always? Why can't they be rational? What is this man? I could easily move to hall you know. I could. Then I won't have to face all this. But I don't want to be an avoider. Shall I avoid it for the next 4 yrs of my life, den go out n work n get married and try to avoid it for the rest of my life? I don't think so. I know His plan for me is to stay here and go through these trials and cut through the thorns and maybe emerge stronger. Sometimes I just don't get it. I don't understand God's plan for me to be in such a situation.

Haix. And I'm sick. Haven't fell sick SICK since I think like 2-3 mths ago? Yah, it started last night when my nose couldn't stop running and my throat was pain. And today, all I did was take medication and sleep sleep sleep sleep. I woke up den took breakfast n lunch den slept again throughout the whole afternoon lar. My flu is slightly better now but my throat is still pain. I BELIEVE I will get well with God's healing. And hopefully by tomorrow coz I need to go down to NTU to interview pple for this article. Yeah..wonder how am I going to talk if my throat doesnt get better. As it is now, I can barely talk above a whisper. Yes people, pray for me ya. Thanks!